Three things you must know if you wish to do business or any other serious activity in China.

1. Be patient. There may not be a process, but that is the process. Whatever you need done, will get done. It may not be how you were told it would be done and it may not be precisely the outcome you expected, but it will get done. Be patient.

2. Push. But don’t get angry when you’re ignored or told it can’t be done. It can be done. Just keep pushing.

3. Be patient. Nothing is what it appears to be. Give everything and everyone time. “Face” will separate itself from substance. These revelations will come, at times, in broad, sweeping strokes, and at others in small, incremental ones. Be patient.

Don’t believe me? Here’s a play-by-play account. It picks up on page 4. Be patient.

http://www.observer.com/2007/how-i-became-chinese-stooge?page=0%2C0

Debunking myths for all of you who can’t be here.

Shy? Reserved? Traditional? Human after all?

Lovers participate a kissing contest at the foot of Huaying Mountain, southwest China’s Sichuan Province August 18, 2007 to celebrate the eve of Chinese Valentine’s Day. About 150 pairs took part in the contest. The festival is called Double Seventh Festival, which falls on the 7th day of the 7th lunar month.

China Daily

“It is almost insulting to spend an entire year with a man without him trying to seduce you.”

If you don’t write something down immediately then you’re likely never going to. The only other chance you’ll have is when you’re old and “reflecting” and then your likely to romanticize a lot of the experience. The hooker turns into a girlfriend, the broken nose was from the State championship football game, not a bar fight with a lady boy, and the diarrhea into, well…shit is shit…but you get my point. And so is my experience with Hong Kong. I think I missed the window, but I’ll try to jot down something here.

If you haven’t been to Hong Kong, then you’d might as well throw out all your preconceived notions. No, it’s not even China. The night before I went, Leo told me that I wouldn’t be able to find a “traditional” aspect of Chinese culture in HK. Well, that’s not completely true (there’s still some food), but in fact, it bears no resemblance to mainland China (if that is to be taken as “traditional” China, which I don’t think it is, but that’s mainly because I’m still not clear what “traditional” is). HK is modern. I used to shun the concept of “modern”, thinking ‘what or who isn’t modern?’ After all, we are all living in the same time? My sample was bias, of course. But I’ve come to realize that it’s not so much the time, as the way of thinking (maybe a function of the place) that dictates “modernity”. The buildings, design, art, architecture, etc. are, of course, a natural extension of the people’s thinking. Anyway, HK is modern (it’s still a lame term, I think, but whatever), it’s international (I also don’t like that word) and more than any place I’ve other been, truly bi-lingual. People slipping in and out of Guangdong hua and English like they were pairs of Prada gloves. And for that, I am grateful to the British.

And the “immigrants”?, “non-Chinese”?, “visitors”? - I’m not sure what is appropriate, because they seem to be “HK people” to me. They make the city. And mainly South Asians, and more specifically, Indians. Indian culture is written all over the city. It’s like a big injection of smack. It’s effect pervasive. You can’t avoid it or deny it. Forget the Indians you know in the US. Indians in HK are full-fledged, holding nothing back. Hong Kong really is theirs. They are the locals - singing in the elevator, dancing in the street. Even Indian hookers. For real. “What can I do for you big boy?” In that thick, Indian accent. That ain’t sexy, but you can’t find it many other places. And why are all the aunties hanging out so late at night? Especially outside the train station. To be clear, the best treatment I received while in Hong Kong was from Indians. First a girl giving me access to the internet for free, then a gentleman helping me from the rain with his umbrella, and offering me to hang out with him and friends. And later from a woman I helped carry her groceries (that’s right, Midwest hospitality thousands of miles away!!!).

And the lady boys. Oh, the lady boys. Two Filipino lady boys speaking in phrasebook Japanese. Id est, placing “oneigaishimasu” at the beginning and end of each sentence ( e.g. In the elevator: “oneigaishimasu 13th floor oneigaishimasu”). This is a great city. Another time in the elevator, this one definitely a woman. Talking with her friend, but looking at me: In a mixture of Tagalog and English “I’m not a prostitute, do I look like a prostitute?”. Do I really have to answer that?

And the girls? Oh, man! The main difference between girls in HK and girls in mainland China is this: they’re not scared of foreigners. They have experience with foreigners. They’ll look you in the eye and even give you some serious FME eyes…and best of all, no language barrier. Depends on your balls and your words. Don’t break either of ‘em while you’re at it. And their style? You already know what it is. It’s not Tokyo, but it’s certainly not bad.

I gotta go back, deeper.

“Is your government still good?”

That’s what I’m wondering.

I can’t get enough of this city, this country. It’s fantastic. Irony, vindication, sadness. It’s all right around the corner, literally.

One of the joys of dining in China is the freedom to sit outside. The food is great, but the open-air atmosphere is bett…ok, I’ll just say easily 50% of the experience. If I was to say that there is one thing that I like about China that I cannot find in the States it would be outdoor dining. Yeah, you New Yorkers will say you have it, but come one, that’s like no space at all, the tables are so close together….it’s not even close. And there are no extracurriculars (musicians, shoe shiners, little kids selling roses, etc.) around to keep you company.

Yesterday we took a trip to a chuan chuan (meat and vegetables on a stick steeped in a big bowl of “flava”) restaurant near LJ’s house. I’d been to this place a couple of times before. The second time there, I was sitting outside with another friend, when a gentleman in his 50s (?) approached us and said hello. He asked which country I was from. I responded accordingly. He proceeded to tell me just how bad he thought my government is. Nothing new here - we start wars all over the world, etc. He’d worked in Iraq for two years, so maybe there was some emotion at play. That’s cool. I’m emotional, too.

But he wasn’t aggressive, a real grinner, actually. The type who just wants to share his opinion, so I smiled back, offered him some food, and listened patiently until I had a chance to reply. “How about your government?”, I asked, basking in the glow of facts I had at my disposal. “Very good. Very good”, he replied enthusiastically, genuinely. I could only laugh at this (like the ones who love to tell me all about my own country: abortion is illegal, Americans don’t love there families, we shouldn’t have guns, etc.), my smile wrapping around to the back of my head. It was pointless to continue a serious discussion, not only because our information is asymmetrical, but also because the way we process and analyze it is. I was all GWB…confident, just waiting for history to vindicate my decision. I needn’t speak a word, in fact…everyday life here is enough…just be patient.

Fast forward to last night, same place, three weeks after the experience with this gentleman. It’s around 6:30 in the evening. Hot and humid, a group of us, the perimeter to two wooden tables pushed together. Waiting for the beer to rescue my thirst, we ritualistically self-clean the table with napkins, removing one layer of grease-dirt at a time. And then, what’s this? The Gestapo? Oh, no. Our friendly Party People - The police. But Sting was no where to be found.

Just white hats and blue shirts on motorcycles, large trucks in tow. But why? Well, in some locations, it’s not legal for businesses to seat customers outside. But it’s common, and generally accepted (especially when you pay the local patrolling officers). But sometimes, the order comes down (I don’t know from where), that the city needs a a good cleaning, and the best place to start is the folks eating outside. So, they take the chairs and the tables, load them on their trucks and drive away. No fine, no court date. Just government sponsored robbery. The food on the table? Oh, just dump it onto the ground. That’s justice. And wasteful! 还有浪费啊！
I wish the old dude could have been there. I’d have asked him 你的政府还好吗？

Anyway, I bet two dumplings these guys sell/give the tables to another restaurant that a friend is opening.

Rethinking Freedom Fries Policy of the right are ya? Could it be that our French friends are offering to help bail us out of that falafel-filled quagmire known as Iraq? Take a look and decide for yourself?

Also recommended: Sarkozy and his suicide-seeking diplomacy

Civility is a primary intellectual virtue

Guy who thinks I am leader of the Free World and he is Hu Jintao. Well, I’m no more than leader of free tissue collecting (in Tokyo at least) and he’s usually no more than a publicly funded shirker (read: criminal), but we always manage to have a lively session that inevitably escalates to talk of military conflict* (they always take it there, not me) between our countries, a mutual friend intervening for our own little Oslo peace accord and finally, a drink together.

I call these “fox sessions” because the opposing side is always trying to figure me out. Some people have a hard time believing that Americans are simple and straight forward people, so they take to reading my palm, looking deep into my eyes, and going all feng shui on me. Basically, lots of posturing and presumptuousness. Even more than the alcohol that is flowing. It’s all funny to me because it’s sort of like watching someone play chess against you when your not moving any of your pieces. You can’t check me, mate!

I used to avoid such discussions, as much because I’m not a rabble rouser as my not wanting to embarrass friends or myself. I figure giving face is always better than punching** one. Besides, even if I’m in the right, an angry foreigner is still just that, even if he is speaking Chinese. So, barring some real fighting words (i.e. those aimed at my Mother or Ronald Reagan), I worked around people instead of through them. But alas, one day about three months ago I avoided a conflict by walking away from a table and complaining to another. The incident, though small, was a turning point for my strategy on conflict management. Don’t worry, I didn’t go straight from Diplomat to Dip Set, but I did start to weigh my options (i.e. vocabulary words) more carefully. You see, here, words really are my weapons. And each day I study, my arsenal grows. Before, not only was my arsenal limited, but my policy dictated not to use these WMD - Weapons of Mass Discussion. But now I’m all Karl Rovin’ it - preemptive, premeditated, etc. Just kidding. But my policy has changed.

One of my favorite Chinese sayings is 不打不想识 (bu da bu xiang shi), literally “do not fight, do not know”. The basic idea is that if you do not fight with someone, you cannot know them. I think it is not only natural, but necessary to have conflict with people here. I have not, nor will I seek it out, but if the learning opportunity presents itself, I will seize it, diplomatically of course, and not just to iron out those tones, but also to learn about the “people”.

Now, I know this goes against the thoughtful advice of my friend who told me after the “I hate Americans” incident, “some Chinese people just want your attention. Ignore them.” That’s true to some extent. I often feel that I don’t want to give someone the satisfaction that comes with prompting a reaction, but I also don’t want to live in a place and remove myself from the “people”. So I will pick my battles.

*The best response to the military scenario is some real patriot missiles - I never worry about another country’s military being stronger than ours. If their values and ideals aren’t superior, there is no chance for victory. Oh, oh, oh…I know it sounds like I’m in Iowa, me a BO, ties off, sleeves rolled up, peeling back ears on a cob of fresh corn…with butter…oooh butter…
**When I refer to conflict, you might think physical, but basically, physical confrontation here is not a common means to settle problems. Arguing is not uncommon, but rarely do you see tension escalate to physical violence. This is something I really like about China. You have to test your arguing abilities, not just your physical ones.

While studying yesterday, I asked FY what the difference is between 太太 (tai tai) and 小姐 (xiao jie), both titles for women. He explained, “太太 is for your first wife and 小姐 your second”. Touche.

Bush is classic. Even minus boy genius, he’s a naturally gifted comedian. Check ‘em out.

From a political perspective, the Bush-Sarkozy friendship might not do either man much good. Sarkozy has been taking hits at home for being too pro-American, and it wasn’t that long ago that House Republicans stripped the French out of fries, replacing it with freedom.Bush was careful not to portray himself as too much of a Francophile.

“No I can’t,” the president said, asked by a journalist if he could say something in French. “I can barely speak English.”

Courtesy: IHT

Hold tight. Updates soon to follow, including details of falling in love twice within a 24 hour period, the Shenzhen-HK commute, and a lot of other provocation. Pics while you wait.

FY and I were chatting and somehow the conversation stumbled to the topic of males who pursue careers as OBGYNs. FY draws the ultimate analogy, comparing the FRO to a home page. Here is what the SAT would look like if we were writing it:

Yahoo! finance home page : Financial Analyst :: Cherry blossom : OBGYN

“Everybody’s greedy, everybody wants to make money, everyone wants to buy things. You wanna buy a yacht, an apartment. How much time have you got to spend seducing women…And it’s a pity, because it’s much more provocative to spend time seducing friends, lovers, possibilities, the girl next door…Come on. Come into my web. Be a spider.”

-Ruda B. Dauphin, the American representative of the Deauville Film Festival

Think those new buttons down below are here just for the cute factor? Well, maybe, but they’re also functional. And you know who did it? You guessed it, the same man that gave us, this, this, and oh, this.

If you want a timely and deep perspective on “modern” China but can’t be here yourself, then your best alternative is not my blog. Yeah, my style is great, but I’m intentionally short on details because I’ve gotta save something for the auto-biography. You can skip those biz magz you started receiving because of the MBA student discount. And be certain to ignore the Banker expat at your local pub drowning himself in “bai wei” and you in talk of his latest “merger & acquisition” {wink}. Your source, without a doubt, should be pieces written by Howard W. French. As much as we love to hate the Times and those who read it (read: self hater), we cannot keep from applauding French, who combines the knowledge of a local (I’m thinking double agent…or local Playboy…either will do) with analogies that’d make my HS English teacher blush.

I sometimes think he’s stolen a pair of my sneakers (AF1s, of course), is living my experience (including those iffy KTV sessions) in parallel, and documenting it as I can only wish my brain had the capability to do. He’s not perfect, but just think, if we didn’t have French, we might be stuck with Flat Friedman. Yuck!! Check these dimes…and feel ‘oooh, I guess all the French ain’t so bad after all’.

“…analyzing questions in national terms rather than rational ones.”

“Life in China today often seems purely situational, not governed by rights and wrongs so much as by what one can get away with.”

click me I’m French
click me I’m French in China

And since we’re here, Tom Plate (Japan Times) recently gave us these on China:

“Should you choose the path of unthinking flattery, you will eventually lose self-respect.”
“…vacuum of values.”

I prefer simply, The moral vacuum.

真困惑啊! 中国人经常告诉我”我传统”. 老实说，我不知道是意思。那个传统? 在我看来就是三千年历史和传统。所以我想问你是那个传统? 夏代传统? 东魏还是西魏传统? 无产阶级文化大革命传统? 任何人知道还是”传统”只就是委婉?

反正也许有天这个成为传统还是已经了?