I am, officially, a “Foreign Expert”. We upgraded from the business visa a while back. I received a “residence permit” instead and the “Foreign Expert Certificate” (pictured below).

The Chinese New Year is right around the corner. And you know what that means - company party. A memtastic time. Lots of food, drink, games, friends, and fun.

Top 3 highlights:

1. We had an awards ceremony and, much to my chagrin, I was voted “most laowai”. I know who decided that one.
2. XW’s hair caught on fire
3. I almost blew my hand off when I held onto what I thought was a roman candle but turned out to be a large bottle rocket

Photos courtesy: LYM

Si vis pacem, para bellum

“If you want peace, prepare for war.”

-Vegetius, Epitoma rei militaris

I recognize this propaganda 6000 thousand miles away.

“He lives the poetry he cannot write.”

-Oscar Wilde

Courtesy of The New Yorker

Something that was brought to my attention a few months back, and since frequently caught my attention - guys carrying (not holding momentarily) their (presumably) girlfriends’ purse. I’m a gentleman. I carry my females colleagues’ laptop bags, their luggage on a business trip. Help my lady/girlfriends with their shopping, grocery bags. But the purse is in a different realm. Because it is an accessory. It isn’t merely a way to transport items from one location to another. It is a statement. Fashionable more than functional. And so, when I see guys carrying a purse, I can’t help but think they have been accessorized by their girlfriends. I can’t take such gents seriously.

And it makes me wonder - what is the tipping point? Is the accessory status one that comes before or after reaching boyfriend status? Before or after sex? It just feels awkward to me. Like if I “let” my girlfriend drive my Benz…with me in the backseat.

In a lounge

6 clocks, all different time zones

No mention of corresponding locations

mei banfa

Wanted to pass along a useful link to any other Americans living abroad. No matter your party or home State, www.votefromabroad.org helps you register to receive your absentee ballot. Just a few simple steps that should take no more than 5 minutes and you’ll be set. And postage of course. A small price to pay, especially when you think about all the freedom fighters past and present who risk, gave their lives for us to have this opportunity.

One note: It said I couldn’t vote in the primary, unless I selected a party affiliation. I am not affiliated with the Democratic or Republican parties.

At a “nice” (my friend’s assertion) restaurant.

Spoken in Chinese

Me: The bathroom?
Waitress: There ain’t one.
Me: huh? The bathroom.
Waitress: There ain’t one. You gotta go outside, up the stairs and around. There’s a public toilet.
Me: {looking around for any sign of a bathroom} Impossible. No bathroom?
Waitress: {smiling} mei banfa.
Me: {mumbling, resigned to fate of holding it} mei banfa.

The format (i.e. characters written left to write) of modern Chinese writing in newspapers and on most of the web is different from the older format that saw characters written/read top to bottom beginning on the far right side. Older writing also lacked any punctuation like commas, semi-colons, or periods. At the afore-blogged restaurant, sliding silk screen dividers/doors separated dining rooms. On the screens were old Chinese poems printed in beautiful calligraphy. To my surprise, separating some of the characters were the weirdest things ever - punctuation marks. I felt so awkward looking at the poems. It was ugly (难看, literally difficult to look at). It threw everything off and made me feel like whoever printed it thought their audience wasn’t going to be sophisticated enough to understand the nuance in the poem. Why?

mei banfa

Why pay thousands of dollars for a well designed, well placed advertisement, but not a few hundred for a good translator to tell you it’s a “Limited Liability Company”?

[Company name redacted]房产有限责任公司 does not translate to

“[Company name redacted] Has Some Responsibility Real Estate Company”.

mei banfa

Roughly translated as “It can’t be helped” or “Nothing we can do about it”, mei banfa (每办法) literally means “No method”. If you live in China, you’ll hear it often, and will see it, or I should say experience it even more frequently. If you take the philosophical route to all you see and do here, you will undoubtedly finish with that which you started - nothing. No method.

-拼音王子 (the pinyin prince)

On Tuesday, a friend’s phone was stolen out of her purse while on the bus. On Wednesday, another friend’s phone was stolen out of her purse while walking. I met a different friend on Thursday night for a drink. As we were leaving the bar, she showed me a new charm she had bought for her phone - a huge teddy bear. She stuck the phone in her coat pocket, but the bear was still hanging out. In a very brief moment of clarity, I thought that her cute care bear was just screaming for the attention of pick pocket artists (yes, here, they are artists) that stalk the streets. But the thought was fleeting and I didn’t say anything.

On Friday evening I sent her a SMS asking what she was doing. No response. A little odd I found it, but thought she might be sleeping as it was kinda late (after 9PM). I sent the same message again on Saturday afternoon. Nothing. Saturday evening we found ourselves at another fancy dinner. The private dining room, big round table sort. Gold tipped chopsticks, spoons, and plates. The place was new and really nice. Luckily, there was no intense toasting. Just wine. But when you don’t drink, that means you have to talk and, well, think. This restaurant’s designers were smart enough to know that can be a drag, so they installed big flat screen TVs in all the dining rooms.

I had a perfect view of the screen. It was one of the hidden camera exposes that you can find on almost any channel. That is, if your daring enough to watch TV here. The picture was shaky, grainy, but I thought I recognized some stores. It looked like the street lined with (mostly women’s clothing) stores outside of my apartment complex. I kept watching. All the shows here have subtitles because the spoken language is not standard, but the the written is. I was reading the subtitles and my street name popped up. And then more shots of the stores. I nudged FY, my friend/co-worker/roommate/guy sitting next to me. That’s us! What is this show about?

Initially, when I found out we had to move apartments because our old landlord’s relatives needed a place to stay, I was a little disappointed. But after seeing our new place, I was thankful. Actually, the apartment itself is just okay, but the location is amazing. Yeah, it’s center city, but what really matters is all the stores nearby. Stores = women. Young women. Lots of them. So if you lived here and wanted to pick up girls, there wouldn’t be a need to wait until night, dress up in fancy clothes, put gel in your hair, and then spend a fistful on bottle service. Instead, you’d just walk outside. Or you might even just ride the elevator. The inhabitants aren’t that bad, either. That said, what was the show about? Hookers, of course {buries face in hands}.
I digress. After dinner I sent my friend another SMS. A few of us were going to a bar for a drink and I wanted to round up some more folks to join us. No response. Finally, after leaving the bar, I checked my phone and found a message from her number:

“This is not my phone. I stole it.”

With all the fuss about experience, faith, and policy, we sometimes lose focus on the really important characteristics of a Presidential candidate - like being able to dance. I was totally pulling for Obama until I saw him get waxed by a WHITE House Correspondent.

I was at a dinner last year. We were all red faced from too much to drink (nothing new) and a new acquaintance made it a point to put me on the spot (nothing new). Somehow managing to herd the attention of the other 15 or so people, he begins by telling me that he already knows (nothing new) I don’t know much about Chinese culture and history. But he’s not mad or even disappointed. As the self-appointed Minister of Culture, he was there to help me sort it all out. He asks what he can help me understand. Of course, I could care less about dynasties and revolutions. I paused, inhaled the second hand smoke of “Pride” cigs, and asked why, with so many fucking mosquitoes, aren’t there any screens on the windows.

mei banfa

Why are we asked if we’d like clean (sterilized) dishes for a charge of 1元 per set versus “other dishes” for free? Aren’t clean dishes a human right, or at least an industry standard?

mei banfa

What is that “Under maintenance. Out of service” sign doing outside the elevator I just rode down?

mei banfa

Why is 回锅肉 2元 more than 土豆回锅肉 when 土豆回锅肉 has less meat (potatoes substituted)?

mei banfa

I saw this headline - Mercedes Benz Sales Hit Record - and had to click. I was certain the growth had to come via a lift in China. Just yesterday, in a 30 minute span, I saw over 20. Beamers are also all the rage here. I’m not a big fan. Beamers are for kids. Maybe it’s the “Li” thing? Who nows. A funny anecdote about BMWs. Here they call them “Bie Mo Wo” (don’t touch me). Clever.