Sent in from an “expat DJ”. Captured on his way to work.

In fact, Southeast Asia has it all over China in the moto game. 4 is standard on the Honda motos, which are smaller than the bike seen above. I once saw 5 people sharing one in Cambodia. And one traveler claimed to have seen 6.

I meant to write about this earlier, but forgot and was only reminded of it yesterday.

I have a friend from Europe. He’s tall, muscular, and handsome. And when he works, he’s dead serious. He’s in charge of his company’s China operations, which includes a factory in a nearby city. One day, the assembly line went down, a technical malfunction of some sort. He was furious, but being culturally savvy as he is, he wanted to express his anger and resolve the problem entirely in Chinese. So he asked for a drawing of the technical specifications. In Chinese that would be “tu zhi” 图纸. But he’s local and knows that Sichuan people don’t pronounce the ‘h’, so he calls out “tu zi”.

“Tu zi! Tu zi!! wo yao tu zi!!!” （The specs! The specs!! I want the specs!!!)

But the problem is, when you take out that ‘h’, if your tones aren’t correct, the meaning altogether changes. What does it change to? In this case, 兔子, which means “rabbit”.

As the workers looked on dumb founded as my friend yelled for a rabbit, one found the courage to speak up and ask for clarification. A small girl, nearly half his size, with both hands forming “peace” signs, gave herself bunny ears and asked with a curious smile:

“兔子?”. (rabbit?)

Yesterday I sent a friend an email that said I try not to spend my time here missing anything. But the truth is, sometimes there is an unexpected and irresistible cue that provokes my senses. When I am sick, for example, I crave pizza. And last night, while out clubbing, it was the simplicity and directness of an American woman.

I was dancing and she walked by. Her parents, obviously, were some sort of Asian, but she was full on American. How did I know?

In order of discovery…

First, the breasts. She grew up on that 2% stuff. There’s a hang.
Second, the walk. Girls here do not, cannot walk like that.
Third, the style. I love skirts, but nothing gets me going like the simple style of an American woman. Hair, back and up. Jeans or cargo pants, a pair of sneakers, and a top from the Gap.
Fourth, the dance. The hips, the way they move.
Fifth, the way she drinks. In measured sips.
Sixth, the way she smiled at me…with her eyes.

And a woman like that makes me miss home.

Cute beyond all belief. The little girl’s also a cutie pie;-) She took a liking to me. Following me around and generally shadowing my pattern of childish behavior at WF’s Mom’s birthday celebration.

Nike’s baby! That’s me on the far left, a beauty in the middle, and WF on the right (he took the pic)

This is my co-worker, ZJX. She is soooooo….taken. What a pity, right? This is at the company party after a lot to drink.

Yesterday, over the course of 10 hours, we drank 5 bottles of bai jiu and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. And felt fantastic. I know it seems like we drink a lot but…that’s because we do. Drinking in China is arguably more important than speaking the Chinese language, especially if you don’t speak the Chinese language. In fact, it is a language all its own. If someone tells you drinking doesn’t matter I would say that they are either 1. ignorant or 2. ignorant. Doing business or connecting in China without drinking is like turning door knobs without a thumb - it can be done, but

inefficiently and very awkwardly.

So, some tips for those of you ready to jump head first into the performing arts.

1. Fat is your friend. It absorbs alcohol. The meal will start with a toast. Your stomach is probably empty, so if you’re not used to drinking you may feel a little warm. No problem. That’s like the first injection of gasoline into an engine. Start me up, baby! I digress. The next matter of order is to layer your stomach with enough fat/meat for the blitzkrieg of toasting that is about to commence a few minutes later. Don’t be shy. Go for it. Also, the lining of the cow’s, pig’s, etc. stomach/intestines is your good friend.

2. Don’t mix bai jiu with Soy Milk, Juice, Soda, or other beverages served. It’s tempting because they counteract that God awful taste (see #3 below), but the result is serious, something from your 10th grade chemistry class. The only exception is tea. But don’t drink too much. Just sip, baby!

3. Don’t taste. I had an awful gag reflex to bai jiu before I learned that it ain’t meant to be enjoyed going down. Fling it to the back of your throat and swallow quickly. Don’t let it hit your tongue. This will increase your drinking capacity 3-4 fold.

4. Use the small cups. They allow you to do #3. If you drink from a regular glass you will taste more than you want. Avoid use of such cups when possible.

5. After finishing the bai jiu someone will likely suggest ordering beer. As tempted as you are to trade in for that familiar taste…don’t do it. You’ll likely have no say in the matter, though. Just be careful. It will fill you up and spit you inside out! If you really want to take my advice, just go on about how much you love Chinese bai jiu and would like to drink one more bottle.

6. If you are in a private room with more than one table and you know there is a guy that has taken a liking to you and likes to drink with you, do not do anything to draw attention to yourself. Not only will he call you over to drink with him, but also a couple times with his associates. That means, and I say this from experience, don’t stand up to go to the bathroom unless you really have to.

7. There is no shame in throwing up. It’s like hitting the “refresh” button on a slow loading web page. A few moments later and you’re ready to go.

8. Be careful of women. They are like little mercenaries sent to kill you softly. Seriously, guys bring girls just to make you drunk. How? Well, they will either 1. drink juice while you drink fire water or 2. drink a sip while you drink the entire cup. How can they get away with this? Well, for one, they are beautiful. And they smile, pout, shout, and then tell you how amazing you are after you drank that entire cup.

You’ll likely encounter these women when dealing with the under 40 year old business men. The older guys (40+) will likely not have women with them. If they do, it will be their wife, whom is almost certainly not a crazy mercenary drinker. You should toast her out of respect. It doesn’t matter what or how much she drinks. You drink alcohol and drink it all. She probably won’t toast you back.

In dealing with the young ones, just stand your ground. Smile, say something witty and, if your me, flirt.

9. Smile. When done properly, it can make folks drunker than any amount of alcohol.

And some etiquette…

If the relationship is not yours or introduction being made on your behalf, allow the “leader” on your side to initiate the first round of toast, then follow in order of your side’s ranking.

Toast the highest ranking person first, then work your way around. They will, in turn, toast you. Just remember, the amount you’ll have to drink will be the number of people x 2 (plus some for good measure), so pace yourself.

With the exception of the first and last toast, drinking is almost always done 1 on 1. Don’t try to be efficient and kill two birds with one stone. That is not taken well.Stand up. But let the higher ranking person, especially the older guys sit. Actually, make them sit. When it comes to the younger guys, though, I think it is better to go toe to toe.
When you toast, be sure to place your cup at a lower level than your counterpart (if he/she is of a higher rank). If they try to go lower, you go lower. Go to the table and if you are good friends (but not anyone else) and want to be drunk and stupid, the floor.

Hold your glass with two hands no matter how small it is. One hand underneath and the other as you would normally hold a glass. Note: this is super formal and not many people do it.

干杯 (ganbei) means “dry cup”. Drink it all. That means every last drop. And make sure your counterpart does too. If he/she doesn’t, don’t be afraid to call his/her bluff…unless that person is of a higher rank than you, a new relationship, etc. If you really want to be respectful you can tell that person to drink as they please even though you are going to drink a full cup.

An experienced drinker always has a cup in one hand and the bottle in the other when he is making his rounds round the table. Refill the glass of your counterpart before your own.

If someone is refilling your glass, hold it with at least one hand (two is more formal). If it is sitting on the table, tap your middle and index couple fingers twice on the table as a way to say “thank you”. Or at least sit upright and put a hand on your glass while they pour to show your paying attention and don’t regard their effort as that of a waiting staff.
Do not “accidentally” spill alcohol. That’s weak and totally not cool. If you really are to your limit, then just smile and say “In a moment” or “I have to take a rest”.

As I wrote “highest ranking” it felt weird. It’s not as hierarchical as it may sound. The atmosphere is actually very casual. But to be clear higher rank = this guy is significantly older than me, is the richest guy, the boss, the birthday girl, or just the person who is paying the bill that day. That person will likely have the power seat, the one farthest from and facing the door.

People will say and do a lot to test you. But it’s only that, a test. One reason is to see how much you can drink. The other is to measure your capacity to listen to sometimes completely absurd bullshit. But it’s basically like a kid tapping on the cage of a snake. Don’t take anything, good or bad, too personal. Always keep in mind the person who brought you into that relationship. That is your main priority, to make him/her look like they made a good judgment.

That said, you also don’t want to be a show pony. For this reason, I often don’t initiate toasts with people unless the relationship is really important or I am already close to them. And even when I receive a toast, I don’t always return it. I can get away with this because people just figure I don’t know the SOP. Use your professional judgment. Drinking in China, like many things here, is a performing art, but you must maintain a sense of self-respect. Don’t lose yourself in the character. Some say don’t play one at all.

Especially for Americans, Japanese, and Koreans, always remember that no matter the name you introduce yourself as, whether it be the one your parents gave you or the corny one you made up with other foreigners in your Chinese class, you are not yourself. Your face is always painted in the colors of your national flag. Think clearly what you want to represent and pursue that goal relentlessly.

Along the same lines, you don’t want to pigeon whole yourself as “a good drinker” or “the foreign friend”. Not only will it cause significant harm (short and long-term) to your body (people will be calling you every night to go drinking), but more crucially, to your reputation. You want people to like you and feel close to you, but most importantly, view you as a good (business) person with ideas that are trusted and respected. The alcohol is a liquid. It’s a river. The glass is your boat. Let it carry you to your destination. Do it with good manner and style and get off when you’ve arrived.

Perhaps the most enriching part of living in China is being able to interact with the generation who grew up during the Cultural Revolution. Most who I can “touch” are established business people, say the owner of a small factory, real estate developer or construction contractor. None of them received a college education and many never graduated from High School. Self-made, they are newly wealthy but maintain the roughness that got them where they are today. A map of China’s modern history is written on their faces, hidden beneath their fingernails, stuffed in their pop bellies, and exposed in those charmingly imperfect grins. They are concerned with money, but not so pre-occupied by it that they neglect other issues like politics and “culture”. When they tell their rags to riches stories, they speak in terms of decades. You listen as hard as you can to catch their words before they are washed by any interpreter. They are funny and direct. Warm and open. Pure, but definitely not innocent. They are startling different from the generation that followed them.

Smoking while eating is like refilling a glass of water. Over the course of a 2-2.5 hour meal, it can easily happen 10 times.

Liu Zong and I

“I want to Edison Chen you”.

XW and I walked into KFC (not my idea. I haven’t eaten there since I arrived. And even for a long while back when I was in the States. It’s even nastier here than in the States. The meat, I mean. Sides aren’t half bad, though). It was packed. I saw a girl, clearly a foreigner, sitting alone. We made eye contact and I smiled at her. She smiled back.

We went to order. Ordered. Standing, waiting, a presence behind me. “Are you from Russia?”. Uh, no. I asked where she was from. One of the “stan” countries in Mid-Asia. Was it “kazakh” or “kurgi”? The accent was thick. She looked Russian to me. What are you doing in China? She works in a hotel. And then, literally no more than 20 seconds into the conversation…

I have a big problem. My boss won’t let me leave the hotel.

Click. Imported sex worker. Serious, this was my train of thought.

What do you mean? She means her luggage is there but she cannot leave. Her contract is expired. She has her passport. She wants to go to another city where her friends are. She “can’t live here”.

Okay, how can I help you? I had to be somewhere and she didn’t seem in immediate danger so I traded phone numbers and agreed to be in touch. I contacted her later that night via short message. She called me back. My phone is still broke. Cannot hear the other party. And I’m with other people, so I couldn’t talk at length anyway. Tell her to message. No response.

A few days pass. No contact. I send a message. Tell me your problem. An immediate response. I have no problem. Thank you.

Updated for clarity.

Here’s a conversation I had a while back. I’m just listening.

I can, to some degree, accept, or at least understand, ignorance toward other cultures, but not toward one’s own. I got into an argument with a girl who told me “Asian” people weren’t as sexual as “Westerners”. I said, “India has over 1 billion people. You guys (China) have even more”.

She smiled. And took off her clothes.

Now, part of this story is false.

That’s right, I never mentioned India.

你好！新年好！

I’m back from Spring Festival. WF welcomed me to his hometown, Pengzhou, about an hour away from Chengdu. The city is small, with about 700K people. The experience was one of the greatest I’ve had outside of the States and definitely since being in China. Not only was I able to experience the new year, but also join (not watch) a wedding. And I rekindled my off and on relationship with bai jiu (Chinese white wine - nasty as hell, but a great result). Just can’t keep her at bay. We ate and drank in excess the whole time. One night, at home, we had 14 dishes on the table. 13 of which were meat.

The night before the wedding there was a party. There was so much food that we were literally stacking 3 levels of dishes on top of each other to fit it all on the table. Most people ate quickly and left because, saving themselves for the next days festivities. Not us. All the guys went to karaoke and finally to xiao kao (outdoor BBQ), where, after absurd amounts of drinking, I gave a toast: “Brothers drink until we throw up”. I drank and immediately threw up. We slept for just a few hours that night.

The best way I can describe the wedding is…..CRUNK! All the guys gathered at the groom’s house at 7AM. We set of fireworks and decorated the cars and then went to the bride’s house. Her friends try to keep the groom out, so we have to help in bust in. First the apartment building door, then the apartment door, and finally her bedroom. It’s super exciting. Finally he grabs the bride and carries her to the living room. They offer his parents some tea and then he carries her away. More fireworks. Back to his house for the offering of tea to the parents. It sounds formal but it’s not. It’s fast and casual. Only the bride, groom, and best man were dressed up.

By this time it’s about 930. We eat something. I have to go to the bathroom. The restaurant is basically a converted storage space behind a cinema. No bathroom. But a public one is available. No stalls or doors. No problem. I choose the 3rd space from the door. Opening the door gives a clear shot at me. A guy is already in #5. He finishes and as he walks out spots my face. He’s so surprised he stops in his tracks and stares at me. I smile like, yeah, we handle business just like you. He smiles back and walks out.

At 11 we arrive at the restaurant where the wedding is held. Outside, the groom greets everyone with an offer of 2 cigarettes and the bride with 2 pieces of candy. She lights your squares. You give a red envelope of money if you didn’t already the night before. 12 noon, it starts. All the guys line the aisle. We have these huge “poppers”. They come walking down and we explode these things all over. At the same time, fireworks that are lining the aisle shoot in the air. We’re inside, though! And no one expected it, so people are like WTF?!, moving their chairs and jumping out of the way to avoid catching on fire.

Complete rowdiness. I love it. They go on stage and offer the parents tea and receive red envelopes of money in return. They say a few words and that’s it. It’s kinda hectic because all the groom’s friends are crowding the stage, so most people probably couldn’t see. It’s was not what I would classify as romantic, but was definitely fun. I want one like that. Just a big party.

Then we sit down to eat. Everyone is so spent from the night before and the morning rush that it’s touch to tackle the food and bai jiu that are waiting for us. Finally, one guy says, “he jiu?” (drink?). We all nod.
Other highlights: I played ma jiang and then got angry when they wouldn’t let me gamble my money with the pros. I didn’t know WF had told them not to let me. haha. I drove in China for the first time. I bought new jeans. I grew my beard the whole time. And a lot of other things I can’t put in writing. Check out some pics courtesy WF.

Me, Ma, and WD

Da Ma Jiang

A walk in the park. WF, WD, and me.

Me, LL (groom), and WL (bride)

Love, Love, Love

Going for the wedding candy on a string.

Trying to eat, drink.

Me and HL drinking tea.

Just back from the CNY and almost forgot that tomorrow is VDay until I got this bomb dropped on me.

“On Valentine’s eve I had the “dirty” chocolate, the languid wine, the love poetry, the magic of Edith Piaf, and thought in complete heaven: “what could possibly ruin this?”…
“A guy”– I replied out loud. Seemingly paradoxical, but true.
(Now wait, guys. Don’t be pissed. You should thank me. I am releasing you from that impossible duty of Valentine celebration: made by women, for women, against men!)
If a guy were around, I would be busy wondering why he is not melting in chocolate with me, flowing in wine, or singing the Orpheus act. Instead, I let the french and the romance breathe through me in a yoga pose.

Valentine’s day should be switched to Ladies day. We should tell men to:

1) bring flowers

2) buy lingerie

3) buy dinner

4) give massages

5) pay for everything, and last but not least:

read a script that we wrote, full of praises, unconditional love, and adoration verses, to us of course! Otherwise, let them go bowling…and enjoy everything by ourselves. Don’t forget to snatch a $100 out of their wallets
Happy Valentine to everyone: singles, married, broken up, broken hearted. For it is a celebration of Romance, not a check point of Romance productivity.
Oh yeah: Love,
from Orieta
February 13, 2008