“I’m communist (for the sex topics).”

Reason #36

Chinese dubbed and subtitled Korean dramas.

Text messaging…

Ahh…

It’s like speed dating…

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Shanghai girls…

Argh…

So high maintenance…

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Pinyin and English…

Oooooh doggy…

It’s so telling…

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Here is an SMS dialogue between a Shanghai girl and a Shanghai expat (translation from me in italics)

Sarko I’m going back to fa guo (France) soon. Ni Yao Li wu ma? (You want a gift?)
LL beautiful legs Dang ren (of course)
Sarko shen ma? (what?)
LL beautiful legs Chanel n° 5
Sarko Tai gui le!!! (too expensive)
LL beautiful legs….
Sarko Ke ye, dan shi wo yao..hen da da  wen (Ok, but I want a really big kiss)
LL beautiful legs mei wen ti, na ni yao wen wo, wo yao chanel n° 5 na wo hai yao,  Dior (No problem, but if you want to kiss me, I also want Dior)
Sarko bitch
LL beautiful legs shen ma yi se (What does that mean?)
Sarko Ni…. (You…)
LL beautiful legs hao de (Ok)

In China, there are many ways to speak about lovers － “find an object”, “play friend”, “soak little sisters” － but one I didn’t know tripped me up last week.

I met this girl. We traded numbers, a couple of messages, and then decided to meet for coffee. Normal.

We sit, exchange some pleasantries, and she asks me what I think is a normal question for people meeting for only the second time. In my mind, it translated to, “Since you’ve came to China, how many friends have you made?”.

I was proud, of course, of my ability to adapt to the new environment and responded immediately with “so many”. Her face changed, but I continued. “In fact, it’s not so difficult in China. I have many opportunities. The Chinese really want to ‘touch’ foreigners. And I want to ‘touch’ them too”.

“I see. How did you meet most of them?”, she interjected with a face that an onlooker might describe as priceless.

“Most are from work. They’re the best. We meet often. But also in the club, the bar, on the street, in the grocery store”.

“You make friends with people from work?”, she asked.

“Of course. Many are beautiful girls”, I joked.

Her appearance grew even more baffled. I continued.

“One is really kind to me. He (in Chinese, “he” and “she” are the same) took me home with him for New Year’s. He’s like a brother to me”.

“You make friends with guys AND girls from your office?”.

“Of course. You don’t?”.

The face was really becoming contorted.

And then we both realized there was a misunderstanding.

She said “谈了 (talked to) 几个 (how many) 朋友 (friends)”. I didn’t think she literally meant “talked to”, so I translated it as “made”, giving me “make friends”. Actually it meant something else, something like “sleep with” or maybe a better translation would be “chatted up”.

We laughed about it and then I asked if I could “talk” to her. jajajaja

An interesting observation that I’ve been meaning to blog:

Q: The foreigner food aisle in the Carrefour outside of my apartment is shared with what other product?

A: Dog food and pet supplies.

I gave up on Chinese television a long time ago, but living alone has forced me into occasionally tuning in. Actually, it’s not that bad. The news is bad, and the English language station is bad. And most of the shows trying to depict some historical events are bad. But some stations, especially the local ones are, in fact, quite entertaining.

Last night, I watched one show that had a young actress sit down next to solo traveling guys in the bus station. She would chat them up, saying she was going to the same place, also alone, to “play”. She would suggest they spend time together when they arrive at their destination and then she would go get something to eat, leaving her bag behind in the care of the young man. She would return and say she forgot to get a drink. In every case, the guy popped up and went to buy it. Having left her bag, the guys would also leave theirs. When they left, she would take their bag and leave. The guy would come back, panic, and frantically search for the girl. Funny. But it didn’t stop there. They would let him find the girl, with another guy, her “boyfriend”, who would claim the bag as his own. The two guys would push, shove, and bring themselves to the edge of fighting while the girl ran off. The guy would chase the girl, grab her, take his bag, run away, and finally they would tell him. Classic.

Another show was about a couple with a young child. I caught it half way through. The guy was threatening to kill the girlfriend. Then they fight, then her friend tries to give him a high kick, but he grabs her foot and flips her (the friend). Finally he tells her he likes her. What about her does he like? Everything, he says. And finally, the Chinese army takes us out with a patriotic ballad from…Kenny G?

Catch it in the clip below.

Let the record show that the DJ and I dominated Chengdu on Saturday night.

Epic.

Maybe.

Life in China.
Pure, insanely absurd.
I love it.
There is no better, worse place to be a foreigner.
The “lords of the world” are keeping me stimulated.

Here is a conversation I had with someone last night

Do you have black people in America?
Of course.
But, they are born there?
Of course. They’re Americans.
But how are they born?
Like you and me.
I know. I mean, how are they black? Why?
{pause}
mei banfa

“The rest being equal, the government which, without external aids, without naturalization or colonies, the citizens increase and multiply most is beyond question the best.”

-Rousseau

Let’s hope I’m not giving our friends fodder.

The Chinese often complain about how the westerner media unfairly depicts them. The Chinese show their STRENGTH and UNITY, of course, fighting important battles like those against some no name CNN dude who called their government officials “goons and thugs”. You know, because it is so difficult to hear a common Chinese say that themselves. But they totally miss the details, the ones that really matter and really affect the opinion people abroad have of them. It goes to show how far they have to go in understanding the mind and skill of us foreign devils.

One of the most interesting things I find when reading articles (in English) about China is the translation of Chinese remarks into English. The translations sometimes make the Chinese (government) sound like spoiled little kids who are not getting their way. The feeling is total temper tantrum. One of my favorite and most common is a line that translates into English as “hurts the feelings of the Chinese people”. It sounds so ridiculous, that I can’t help but laugh. ‘Did we really hurt their feelings? All of them?’, I muse with a grin. It’s easy to lose sight of the issue and conjure this image of 1.3 billion Chinese people pouting, sulking.

With a little research, I found that a more accurate translation would be something like, “disturbs the relationship with the Chinese people”, and implicitly threatens “that should the action continue, cooperation would not be forthcoming in the future”. The original translation is a great line, much more potent than “goons and thugs”, but not one I’ve ever heard any Chinese complain about.

You’ve heard about it. It’s like process to the Japanese, freedom to the Americans, the caste system to the Indians. It’s good. It’s bad. It’s ugly. It’s face, the Chinese concept of prestige or authority in relations with others. In fact, all societies have face, but none have mastered the tactical use like that of the Chinese, especially when it comes to using it with, against foreigners. But the Ambassador is here to help you along the (middle) way with another guide to social engineering in China. Line up, you rookies!! e-salute me, else I lose face.

Giving
Giving face is ubiquitous in China. It’s also sometimes so absurd that it will appear people are giving head instead of face. Nearly all Chinese make conscious attempts to give face, substituting what would be our playful banter about how you once got drunk and pissed on yourself, with grandeur (often undeserving) praises of one another, whether old friends or new acquaintances. It’s banter, but of the sort so unbelievable that you will wonder if anyone can buy it. It is a sort of lubricant, but with an adhesive component that develops after application. It’s basically an effective tool for manipulating relationships.

For your part, unless you’re the flattering, charming type, and experienced with the Chinese, I would suggest altogether avoiding trying to participate in this largely futile charade (futile among two experienced people). Face, more than anything, especially in a business setting, is merely a means by which the Chinese attempt to 1. extract information about your character, behavior and 2. elevate their position in a social setting at the whole expense of any power or leverage (i.e. face) you previously held. It’s suicide if you aren’t familiar with it’s use. If you are the charming type, then I’d suggest toning it down a bit. While westerners will write you off as a smooth talker and largely ignore your comments, your Chinese counterpart might take them to heart (especially since your status as a foreigner is higher), providing additional confidence (he is probably already operating near capacity), and shifting the balance of power in the social, business setting.

Receiving
In their own environment, you won’t find the Chinese be as quiet, shy, and modest looking as they were in your home country. In the middle kingdom, Americans will start to look humble. I once had to endure three hours of a guy talking only about himself - his car,  martial arts expertise, his hobbies, workout schedule, material possessions, work, etc. But I did it all with a smile on my face. That, in large part due to the fact that his girlfriend was rubbing her foot in close proximity to my crotch 70%!!! of the time. We were eating a buffet and he kept saying, “let’s get some more”. Plate empty and vocabulary limited, I could only say, “digest, digest”. That was definitely a turning point of my life in China. I digress.

The exception is when receiving face. The demeanor of the receiving party completely changes, not so much out of modesty, but out of the real understanding of what reinforcing the remarks of another does. As I said above, face has two properties - slick and sticky. It’s slick because it allows people the ability to slide into otherwise closed networks. As it dries, it allows them to stick themselves to you, each compliment like a web spinning from Spidey’s web. It’s not about what the other person is saying about you, as much as it is that you don’t want to be identified with accepting anything from him. It gives him credibility and also ties your status to him. You can think of it as an act of goodwill from someone you might not necessarily care for. Imagine if a real ugly chick was saying how hot you are. Stay away from that, yo!

It won’t feel altogether bad or out of place to be showered with praise, especially when someone is doing it on your behalf when talking to someone else. And even more so when someone with a good status or whom you respect is saying it. But how should you react?

When you are on the receiving end of a remark you feel is complimentary, you should, 80% of the time, emulate the Chinese. Turn your head down, blush, smile, be embarrassed, shy, self-deprecating, etc. Don’t say “thank you”. Saying “thank you” is like saying “sorry” after you get into a car accident. It implies agreement, acceptance. I know this is hard for westerners, but you have to remember this. The remaining 20% is what I call the “good cunt” rule. Did you know, “In New Zealand and occasionally Australia the term ‘good cunt’ is often used as a compliment”? Chinese are great at good cunting - saying something that they think is face-giving, but is actually quite ignorant. For example, after saying that you’ve been in China for over a year, someone will say, “oh, you can use chopsticks? Amazing!” or “You can speak Chinese so well”. In these cases, you should say something snide, arrogant even. Use your creativity. Come to think of it, I guess this is another area where the 80/20 theory is applicable. You will be using that 20% response, 80% of the time.

The Face card
Anything can set off the use of the face card in China. If your pen breaks and you say, “oh, made in China. haha.”? Yup, you just didn’t give face to over a billion people. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it’s really the way people think here. Not drinking with someone, or not drinking the entire glass is the most common situation you’ll be accused of not giving someone face, but oddly enough, the concept plays itself out in all parts of life. Once, a co-worker tried to play the face card on me because I didn’t want to eat a piece of her birthday cake (it wasn’t Betty Crocker). You won’t be hard pressed to hear a guy who’d committed a small traffic infraction to tell the police officer that he isn’t giving him face. A guy smoking in the Starbucks despite it being a non-smoking establishment, is also “faceless”. I’m guilty of using it myself. The DJ got a discount on a gym membership for buying early. When I went a few weeks later, the price had raised, but I got them to knock it down based on the claim that I would lose face if I paid more than a close friend. I didn’t buy, anyway. The point is to have fun with your face, and use it when you can to get what you want, but don’t take it too seriously, especially when others try to play it on you.

Saving
In many ways, face is a farce. But one that resonates with a lot of people. Many people, not just foreigners, do not understand face for what it really is. At it’s best, it is a lubricant, a stabaliser, but at it’s worse it’s a tool used against others, and with some experience in China you’ll see, one that is so misunderstood that it becomes the catalyst for a lot of self-deception that happens here. You should be aware of this, and for the most part try to follow Machiavelli’s suggestion of avoiding flatterers, for they’ll surely make you inefficient. In the very likely case that you can’t, always remember that it’s just a tactic to be used to control the behaviors of others, test their limits, and actually discredit them. Once you accept this, you can recognize the advances of your counterpart and respond with counter-tactics, some flattering, some not so much.

Some of my favorite responses when someone protests that I’m not giving them face:

“next time”, “hahaha”, or just “mei banfa”

Contradictions
No doubt you will see and even be on the receiving end of a lot of behavior that stands in complete contradiction to the concept of face. Not good cunting, but downright face-snatching. I once saw a guy put a cigarette out on a waitress’ face all because she didn’t give him his. Don’t be perplexed or think too much. It should just reinforce your view that face is just a tool, not a foundational principle that the society rests. Essentially, it shouldn’t guide your strategy or fundamental approach to dealing with the Chinese.

Post Script
I wrote this post not so much out of the need for those of us doing business in China, as for the frequency of which I read articles about the US government and their relations with the Chinese. Articles often mention “face” and how the Americans try to balance their values {cough} and interests with the need for the Chinese to have, save “face”. I wonder what idiots are handling my nation’s relationship with the Chinese and if they actually buy into face.

The Olympics are almost here and the Chinese are ready to put on a show for the nillas coming to town. There’s even a guide on how to behave when we’re around. I’ll share only the most important part:

“Men should help women carry things, but must not help women carry their handbags”.

I’ve blogged about this before, but I can’t understate the gravity of this behavior. And I can’t, for the life of me, understand why guys here carry the purses of their wives, girlfriends. It’s like some twisted interpretation of chivalry, feminism. It’s so emasculating it makes me sick.

Anyway, this reminds me of a story. Courtesy another expat and anti-handbag carrier.

“It was my fifth time meeting Bagirl. The first was with her friend (”A”), which I was having little success pursing, but was always willing to buy me nice dinners. Bagirl arrived at the bar and I immediately changed my target. I wondered for a second if “A” had intentionally set up the introduction to help shake me from pursuing her further. Whatever the case, “A” was attractive because of her successful business career, but she was only 2.5 dumplings on a scale of 1 to 5. But Bagirl was 4.5 dumplings, easy. She even had the HUGE Gucci knock-off bag that all fly, fast, but high maintenance girls like her have. The second time was also with “A”, whom I was still pursuing. The third time, absent “A”, I moved in for the kill and tried to take her home with me. Rejected! The fourth time was at a club - Bagirl pursued me relentlessly, but I couldn’t close because when we got in a taxi that night, her friend joined us and told the driver to go to my place first

It was my fifth time meeting Bagirl. Once rejected, once hunted, but blocked by a chatty friend, I found myself with Bagirl in a club. “A”, absent again. Just before 1am Bagirl said, ‘let’s go back’. 2 minutes later, we’re in the taxi. 8 minutes later we’re outside my apartment building. 5 seconds later, she’s asking me to help her carry that Gucci handbag. She knows my policy. This is a moral dilemma. I’m a man of principle. But this girl is 4.5 dumplings!!! I say ‘no, come on’. She turns and actions to hailing a cab. ‘What are you doing? Let’s go’. She turns and holds out that huge bag and tries to give the cute, pouty face that Japanese girls do really well, but just doesn’t fit Chinese chicks. And she knows it. ‘No! Come on’.

She squats to the ground. She’s found her strength. Wearing a skirt that, to call a “mini”, would be an oversatement, and mile high heels, she holds out the bag, head down, chin buried in her chest. I despise bag carriers, but it was late, no one was gonna see me except for the security guard. With her on my arm, would he even pay attention to the big bag I was carrying? If there was one thing I had learned since coming to China, it was that sometimes you can’t care about the process. Be results-oriented, I told myself.

‘Get up. Let’s go’, I said with a smile and tone that indicated I was giving in.

Her head lifted, revealing a smile of her own. She stood up and walked toward me, extending her bag. I reached out, grabbing her elbow instead and began to guide her to the entrance. She shook off my hand, cursed me in some crazy local dialect, turned, and walked away quickly. The walk. That walk. I couldn’t let her go.

‘Wait’, I shouted, in local dialect of course.

She stopped, stomping one foot, but not turning around. I walked to her and, making a circle around her, took the bag from her right hand, put my left hand around her waist and turned with her toward my apartment.

That night, the gods were smiling on me - the security guard was asleep.”

The Blackberry of a British official went missing after a night with a woman he picked up in a Chinese disco. What?!!! Dedicated users wear the Blackberry (there’s a sock clip-on case) during sex. Honeytrap? It may have been the case that the woman just wanted to be sure those pictures he took didn’t fall into the wrong hands. Entirely plausible.

Seriously, can we get a guide for securely getting laid in China?

With having lived in only one other foreign country (Japan), and just for a short period of time, I may not be the most qualified to opine, but I’ll say anyway that China must be among the tops if you are looking to really access a people and way of living and thinking different from your own. That’s in large part do to the fact that Chinese people hold themselves out, instead of back, to visitors. You may not like their posturing, but you’ll never be able to complain of a lack of opportunity to “touch” and know the people. In fact, you’ll have more choices of whom you associate with than you had in your own country. You’ll come across some bad eggs, no doubt, but among the masses you will surely find one or two friendships that could last a lifetime. Here are some tips to help you along the way.

Don’t be moved - Chinese are super kind and super emotional. They know how to pull the strings on your heart and they often act based on the emotion in theirs. This will no doubt be the cornerstone of your love/hate relationship with them. They’ll pay for your meal even if you’ve just met five minutes ago. A stranger won’t buy you a drink, he’ll buy you 12 (note: this really happened to me). You’ll be calling the guy next to you “Brother” after having drank together a couple of hours…and you’ll really feel that way. Resist the temptation to release all your chemicals and remember: if everyone is family, no one is family. On the flip side, you can use this to your advantage - the Chinese can be moved just as easily as you. It’s all about how to keep the emotional balance in your favor, or at least in check.

Trust your instinct - If your new friend does something that makes you feel uncomfortable or doubtful of his character, go with your gut. If he calls you a “foreign devil” to get a laugh from the taxi driver because he thinks you don’t understand, he probably isn’t the type of friend that is gonna stick up for you when you need it.

Don’t be too easy / Act from your strength - Most people here are looking to make you an accessory. That’s okay. Think of yourself as an asset, a resource - assign yourself a value - one higher than that of the people here, of course, and go to the market. Remember, you are a rarity, a luxury good. It’s supply and demand. The advantage should be yours. You will no doubt encounter many situations in which you are expected, pushed to devalue your brand. I will say only this: use your professional judgment and always make sure you are getting something in return - knowledge of the people, customs, the language, etc. Always get more out than you put in. That girl who calls you out to meet her friends just to show you off, but never comes home with you…see her to the door, or at least to one of your business dinners as your trophy and lead drinker. The most important reason not to be too easy is that in you, they see an entire country. Represent.

Don’t adapt too much / have your limits - Chinese will just push you and push you and push you and keep pushing you…not until you say stop, but until you show them you mean it. Remember, in China, “no” doesn’t mean no, but shouting at someone in your native language does.

Be a bastard and just say it’s a cultural difference - For as much kowtowing that goes on here, I have to be honest in saying that it really gets you no where. All the “face” stuff is pure vanity and lacks any real substance. It’s a waste of time, pure and simple. It’s the great stalling technique of the Chinese. You don’t have to be polite all the time, especially if you have something others want. Yes, you are a guest, but you needn’t be a spineless slug. People here respond to power and force. It’s in the history, the culture, the blood. No matter what, you’d rarely fall below the level of the way locals treat each other. And even if you do, you can just say it’s a “cultural difference”, the favored way of the people here to dismiss something they don’t understand.

Expand the relationship beyond the bar/bed - You will no doubt have a lot of drinking buddies and maybe more bed buddies. Though you can learn a lot about a person from both these activities, you may find out something else if you changed the location. Or maybe not.

Common interests - If people are genuinely interested in you, then they are, by extension interested in where you come from. I was never particularly interested in China, or Chinese history, but because of a few Chinese friends, I became interested. If they don’t show interest in your background, you’ll know why.

Pay attention - to the details. The devil is there, in the details, often the turning points of a relationship. The Chinese are blessed with the ability to think in broad, sweeping strokes. The are great strategists by nature, but often miss the details. That will be your chance to see what someone is made of.

Don’t put your cell phone number on your business card - people will use it. A lot.

Be ready to spend….not money, but time. Friends here are not your casual “let’s meet for brunch the first Saturday of every month” sort. Close friends will often meet multiple times per week.

The numbers - People aren’t disposable, but your relationships are. Do your best to maintain smooth, healthy relationships, but don’t break your back, bank, or morals to do so. Easy come, easy go. Always measure your returns on a relationship.

The foundation - What is it? Trust? Honesty? Come on. Save that. Don’t be so pure. The influence of Sun Tzu has permeated every aspect of the society, to the point that everything here, like the art of war, is based on deception. This may be difficult to understand and even more so to accept, but the sooner you do, the better. Don’t be an ideologue. Don’t start from good and evil or right and wrong. The Chinese would like for you to believe that dealing with them is like a race where, even though starting in different, staggered starting blocks (i.e. cultures), the final distance ran and goal is the same. If you believe that, they’ll be running circles around you.

The US has “In God we Trust” and “One out of Many”. France has “Liberty, Equality, Brotherhood”. Lesotho has “Peace, Rain, and Prosperity”. Montenegro, “Manliness and Heroism”. Several countries, including Israel, Italy, Ireland, Japan, and China, have no motto at all. So I’m gonna step up and help a couple of our friends out.

China: I can’t make this shit up

Japan: Stress, Process, Technology

You may recall a post a few weeks back in which I linked to an article describing the boycott of “Kung Fu Panda”. I objected to the boycott on the grounds that Jack Black is awesome.

I ended up seeing the movie. I saw the all Chinese (no subtitles) version, so I didn’t understand everything, but it was amazing because of the intense and positive reaction from the sold out crowd. They were eating it up like any other one of our brands. I was proud because we pulled a Japanese. That is, we took something from the Chinese and did it much better. And now, there is an article in the Times about the stir the success of the movie is causing in China.

Note: The success is in large part do to the translators and voice actors, though. Without them, it would just be interesting animation.

A few things I can find here that make me nostalgic for home:

The people at the Thai restaurant singing John Denver’s “Country Roads”, Trojan brand condoms, and now, thanks to the new apartment, we can add the smell of cleaning products to the list.

I got a new apartment. It will be my first time living alone if you don’t count the three months I was homeless a long time ago. Anyway, the process was pretty smooth, with one interesting note.

There is this huge crack in the corner of one of my walls from the earthquake. I casually pointed it out and the guy showing me the place says, “Don’t worry about that. It doesn’t affect how you live”. But see, my friend, it is called aesthetic and yes, it directly affects how I live.

Yesterday I was in Carrefour, buying a broom, supporting the French. I make my purchase and then head down one of the automated ramps that is like an escalator without steps. There’s an old man behind me, and two women in their early 30s behind him. I didn’t notice any of them until one of the women says, “ah! There are too many ‘chinks’”. “Chinks”, of course, is what they call foreigners here. I turn around and put her on notice. Notice that I understood what she said. It only took a look, but what I really wanted to say was this:

“There are 1.3 BILLION of you and the only foreigners I see are me and that white dude on the advertisement over there. And there are too many of us?”.

But I didn’t. Not out of fear, or politeness, but because I forgot how to say “billion” in Chinese.

She looked at her friend, whispered that I understood, and then gave me a big smile. But this is the thing about the Chinese. They have great smiles. They smile with their eyes, always. It’s beautiful really. But they always use this smile, no matter what, even when they’ve done something wrong. Especially when they’ve done something wrong. But they don’t apologize. So there we were: a “chink” and a smile.

That woman had big balls, but there are others with bigger ones.

Last week the DJ was coming back from a business trip. A woman sat down next to him on the plane. After about 5 minutes she began to get excited. She was so excited about the fact the she was sitting next to a real live “chink”. She was so excited that she pulled out her cell phone and starting calling people to tell them she was sitting next to a “chink”.

The DJ, knowing how to press buttons and turn knobs, waits for the woman to finish and then starts to scold her. The woman, not knowing what to say, just sits there, head spinning like a record. Well played, Mr. DJ.

The problem is not a mind that is too narrow to make allowance for the possibility that we understand. The problem is precisely a mind that doesn’t care, that doesn’t think we matter. Or sometimes, that we simply don’t exist.

For maximum assimilation into a new country do the following three 90% of the time:

Speak that country’s language
Spend your time (i.e. working, eating, playing, sleeping) with local people
Eat that country’s food