If I had to write a business novel, like that one we had to read in Operations class, “The Goal”, by Eli Goldratt, my main character would, without a doubt, be the DJ, if for no other reason than he produces quotes like this:

“In business, you’ve got to be a bastard!”.

I ate dinner with him last night and he talked a little about a quality problem he was having with one of his company’s products (a headlight) that was ruffling the feathers of a new customer. Today, he would have to re-emphasize the importance of quality to his workers.

During the meeting, he grabbed a big headlight, as an example, and slammed it on the floor, shattering it to pieces. Next time, he said, it wouldn’t be a headlight, it would be a head

The VC says, “I’m just not sure about this. It seems too cute to work. The industry is still in it’s infant stages…”

Having encountered this argument before, the entrepreneur has come prepared. Out of his chair, two hands on the table, leaping across the table, and in a raised voice, he cuts off the VC: “Too cute? Too infantile? Look, I’m like knut. Not a nut, but like knut. You know knut?”. He reaches into his brief case and pulls out a photo. “This is knut”, he says, holding the photo (seen below) inches from VC’s face. The VC leans back. “That’s right, lean back (editor’s note: curbs urge to reference Fat Joe’s hit) maybe it’ll give you some perspective”.

There’s a brief and awkward silence, and then his voice, this time much lower, resumes. “This is my business today. Cute and infantile, just like knut was a year ago”. Seated, he again reaches into the brief case and pulls out another photo (seen below). Sliding it across the table like an offer for a negotiation, he says calmly, “This is my business one year from now”.

I meant to write about this earlier, but forgot and was only reminded of it yesterday.

I have a friend from Europe. He’s tall, muscular, and handsome. And when he works, he’s dead serious. He’s in charge of his company’s China operations, which includes a factory in a nearby city. One day, the assembly line went down, a technical malfunction of some sort. He was furious, but being culturally savvy as he is, he wanted to express his anger and resolve the problem entirely in Chinese. So he asked for a drawing of the technical specifications. In Chinese that would be “tu zhi” 图纸. But he’s local and knows that Sichuan people don’t pronounce the ‘h’, so he calls out “tu zi”.

“Tu zi! Tu zi!! wo yao tu zi!!!” （The specs! The specs!! I want the specs!!!)

But the problem is, when you take out that ‘h’, if your tones aren’t correct, the meaning altogether changes. What does it change to? In this case, 兔子, which means “rabbit”.

As the workers looked on dumb founded as my friend yelled for a rabbit, one found the courage to speak up and ask for clarification. A small girl, nearly half his size, with both hands forming “peace” signs, gave herself bunny ears and asked with a curious smile:

“兔子?”. (rabbit?)

Yesterday, over the course of 10 hours, we drank 5 bottles of bai jiu and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. And felt fantastic. I know it seems like we drink a lot but…that’s because we do. Drinking in China is arguably more important than speaking the Chinese language, especially if you don’t speak the Chinese language. In fact, it is a language all its own. If someone tells you drinking doesn’t matter I would say that they are either 1. ignorant or 2. ignorant. Doing business or connecting in China without drinking is like turning door knobs without a thumb - it can be done, but

inefficiently and very awkwardly.

So, some tips for those of you ready to jump head first into the performing arts.

1. Fat is your friend. It absorbs alcohol. The meal will start with a toast. Your stomach is probably empty, so if you’re not used to drinking you may feel a little warm. No problem. That’s like the first injection of gasoline into an engine. Start me up, baby! I digress. The next matter of order is to layer your stomach with enough fat/meat for the blitzkrieg of toasting that is about to commence a few minutes later. Don’t be shy. Go for it. Also, the lining of the cow’s, pig’s, etc. stomach/intestines is your good friend.

2. Don’t mix bai jiu with Soy Milk, Juice, Soda, or other beverages served. It’s tempting because they counteract that God awful taste (see #3 below), but the result is serious, something from your 10th grade chemistry class. The only exception is tea. But don’t drink too much. Just sip, baby!

3. Don’t taste. I had an awful gag reflex to bai jiu before I learned that it ain’t meant to be enjoyed going down. Fling it to the back of your throat and swallow quickly. Don’t let it hit your tongue. This will increase your drinking capacity 3-4 fold.

4. Use the small cups. They allow you to do #3. If you drink from a regular glass you will taste more than you want. Avoid use of such cups when possible.

5. After finishing the bai jiu someone will likely suggest ordering beer. As tempted as you are to trade in for that familiar taste…don’t do it. You’ll likely have no say in the matter, though. Just be careful. It will fill you up and spit you inside out! If you really want to take my advice, just go on about how much you love Chinese bai jiu and would like to drink one more bottle.

6. If you are in a private room with more than one table and you know there is a guy that has taken a liking to you and likes to drink with you, do not do anything to draw attention to yourself. Not only will he call you over to drink with him, but also a couple times with his associates. That means, and I say this from experience, don’t stand up to go to the bathroom unless you really have to.

7. There is no shame in throwing up. It’s like hitting the “refresh” button on a slow loading web page. A few moments later and you’re ready to go.

8. Be careful of women. They are like little mercenaries sent to kill you softly. Seriously, guys bring girls just to make you drunk. How? Well, they will either 1. drink juice while you drink fire water or 2. drink a sip while you drink the entire cup. How can they get away with this? Well, for one, they are beautiful. And they smile, pout, shout, and then tell you how amazing you are after you drank that entire cup.

You’ll likely encounter these women when dealing with the under 40 year old business men. The older guys (40+) will likely not have women with them. If they do, it will be their wife, whom is almost certainly not a crazy mercenary drinker. You should toast her out of respect. It doesn’t matter what or how much she drinks. You drink alcohol and drink it all. She probably won’t toast you back.

In dealing with the young ones, just stand your ground. Smile, say something witty and, if your me, flirt.

9. Smile. When done properly, it can make folks drunker than any amount of alcohol.

And some etiquette…

If the relationship is not yours or introduction being made on your behalf, allow the “leader” on your side to initiate the first round of toast, then follow in order of your side’s ranking.

Toast the highest ranking person first, then work your way around. They will, in turn, toast you. Just remember, the amount you’ll have to drink will be the number of people x 2 (plus some for good measure), so pace yourself.

With the exception of the first and last toast, drinking is almost always done 1 on 1. Don’t try to be efficient and kill two birds with one stone. That is not taken well.Stand up. But let the higher ranking person, especially the older guys sit. Actually, make them sit. When it comes to the younger guys, though, I think it is better to go toe to toe.
When you toast, be sure to place your cup at a lower level than your counterpart (if he/she is of a higher rank). If they try to go lower, you go lower. Go to the table and if you are good friends (but not anyone else) and want to be drunk and stupid, the floor.

Hold your glass with two hands no matter how small it is. One hand underneath and the other as you would normally hold a glass. Note: this is super formal and not many people do it.

干杯 (ganbei) means “dry cup”. Drink it all. That means every last drop. And make sure your counterpart does too. If he/she doesn’t, don’t be afraid to call his/her bluff…unless that person is of a higher rank than you, a new relationship, etc. If you really want to be respectful you can tell that person to drink as they please even though you are going to drink a full cup.

An experienced drinker always has a cup in one hand and the bottle in the other when he is making his rounds round the table. Refill the glass of your counterpart before your own.

If someone is refilling your glass, hold it with at least one hand (two is more formal). If it is sitting on the table, tap your middle and index couple fingers twice on the table as a way to say “thank you”. Or at least sit upright and put a hand on your glass while they pour to show your paying attention and don’t regard their effort as that of a waiting staff.
Do not “accidentally” spill alcohol. That’s weak and totally not cool. If you really are to your limit, then just smile and say “In a moment” or “I have to take a rest”.

As I wrote “highest ranking” it felt weird. It’s not as hierarchical as it may sound. The atmosphere is actually very casual. But to be clear higher rank = this guy is significantly older than me, is the richest guy, the boss, the birthday girl, or just the person who is paying the bill that day. That person will likely have the power seat, the one farthest from and facing the door.

People will say and do a lot to test you. But it’s only that, a test. One reason is to see how much you can drink. The other is to measure your capacity to listen to sometimes completely absurd bullshit. But it’s basically like a kid tapping on the cage of a snake. Don’t take anything, good or bad, too personal. Always keep in mind the person who brought you into that relationship. That is your main priority, to make him/her look like they made a good judgment.

That said, you also don’t want to be a show pony. For this reason, I often don’t initiate toasts with people unless the relationship is really important or I am already close to them. And even when I receive a toast, I don’t always return it. I can get away with this because people just figure I don’t know the SOP. Use your professional judgment. Drinking in China, like many things here, is a performing art, but you must maintain a sense of self-respect. Don’t lose yourself in the character. Some say don’t play one at all.

Especially for Americans, Japanese, and Koreans, always remember that no matter the name you introduce yourself as, whether it be the one your parents gave you or the corny one you made up with other foreigners in your Chinese class, you are not yourself. Your face is always painted in the colors of your national flag. Think clearly what you want to represent and pursue that goal relentlessly.

Along the same lines, you don’t want to pigeon whole yourself as “a good drinker” or “the foreign friend”. Not only will it cause significant harm (short and long-term) to your body (people will be calling you every night to go drinking), but more crucially, to your reputation. You want people to like you and feel close to you, but most importantly, view you as a good (business) person with ideas that are trusted and respected. The alcohol is a liquid. It’s a river. The glass is your boat. Let it carry you to your destination. Do it with good manner and style and get off when you’ve arrived.

I am, officially, a “Foreign Expert”. We upgraded from the business visa a while back. I received a “residence permit” instead and the “Foreign Expert Certificate” (pictured below).

I recognize this propaganda 6000 thousand miles away.

If you can’t get pumped reading this, then you’re probably lazy. Click the link at the end and see what she says when asked how much time she spends with her kids each week. Classic.
I don’t stop working. My 90-hour week, or 80-hour week, is everybody else’s three weeks.

I’m very tenacious. If I think there’s a reason for me to be there, I’m going to be there, and you’re not going to be able to get rid of me. I live in the future, so I’m not living here and now and dealing with this deal right here and now, I’m living over there with all the things that could come up between what’s happening now and what’s happening three weeks from now. I’m overcoming all those obstacles today, so when you give me the obstacle I already know it, and I’m like boom, boom, boom, boom–playing a chess game, a three-dimensional chess game.

But I think it’s mostly that I truly just work so much more. You know, most people in real estate don’t work; it’s not a job of workers.

-Dolly Lenz, vice-chairman of Prudential Douglas Elliman. Via The Observer.

Three things you must know if you wish to do business or any other serious activity in China.

1. Be patient. There may not be a process, but that is the process. Whatever you need done, will get done. It may not be how you were told it would be done and it may not be precisely the outcome you expected, but it will get done. Be patient.

2. Push. But don’t get angry when you’re ignored or told it can’t be done. It can be done. Just keep pushing.

3. Be patient. Nothing is what it appears to be. Give everything and everyone time. “Face” will separate itself from substance. These revelations will come, at times, in broad, sweeping strokes, and at others in small, incremental ones. Be patient.

Don’t believe me? Here’s a play-by-play account. It picks up on page 4. Be patient.

http://www.observer.com/2007/how-i-became-chinese-stooge?page=0%2C0

Diplomacy is all about controlling the language. Check out the latest from the ‘I’m rubber you’re glue’ party.

“China, too, detects many substandard food products from the U.S.”

Observations. Caught the first a while back here in China, but just recalled it last night.

“I like my woman’s heart on a string and my meat on a stick.”

Second is from Guy Kawasaki’s blog. He’s talking about the biggest lies venture capitalists/potential business partners tell.

“If you get a lead, we will follow.” In other words, “no.” As the old Japanese say, “If your aunt had balls, she’d be your uncle.” Well, she doesn’t have balls, so it doesn’t matter. The venture capitalist is saying, ” We don’t really believe, but if you can get Sequoia to lead, we’ll jump on the pile.” In other words, once the entrepreneur doesn’t need the money, the venture capitalist would be happy to give him some more–this is like saying, “Once you’ve stopped Larry Csonka cold, we’ll help you tackle him.” What entrepreneurs want to hear is, “If you can’t get a lead, we will.” That’s a believer.

A potent combination:

Business meetings with ever-flowing baijiu and an email from Mom who demands not to be quoted in my blog.

Sometimes your blog is just whacked. Are you smoking crack or what. You must have to much time on your hands or not spending enough time communicating with others.
Is there anyone there you can speak enlish too. You seem lost in your own head and believe me that is not a good place to be. And DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT post this on your blog.
I get worried when you start rambling and cussing. It isn’t good. Take care of your mental health. You are a million miles away and honestly I have no way of knowing how you really are. So please don’t rant.

Love
W

No use copy/pasting, so I’ll just give my response here.

Yo, ro, shi, ku

You spelled English wrong and mixed up your 2s. I don’t need to speak English when I have a smile like this

Time is on my side, not my hand.

It’s rambling in your head, poetry in mine.

First you’ll ask me to stop ranting. Next is flaunting, and finally flatulating. I’ll be the only guy full of gas and ego if you get your way. Lemme do my thug thizzle.

Get at me W(orm),

Smarty pants Sestito

That’s what I was doing when I came up with “the next big thing”. ha!

In Japan, all the best things happen in a box. The bento (lunch box), the o-furo (bath), the subway, o-sechi, masusake, karaoke, and of course, the onsen (hot spring)…kind of. On my return to Japan, we ventured to Hakone for the onsen. No nude pics, but did capture some striking shots of the landscape.

Once I quit my job, it was as if my mind switched gears. I stopped thinking like an associate and started thinking like a creator. Maybe it’s due to our natural instinct for survival or urge toward creativity. Then again, maybe it’s a fear of failure. Whatever the case may be, my mind has never been more active in my life.

Although I’m more well-rested than I ever was in the past two years I was toiling, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the sleepless nights I’ve had in the past three months, the number of which is quickly approaching those which I experienced in 5 years of University study. But I do not believe they’re a result of unsettledness about my business, but rather a neccesity to clear my mind of the ideas that it is generating.

In that regards, I think it would be most accurate to say that I’ve enjoyed many sleepless nights, detailing business ideas, some for no other reason than to put my mind at rest; a cleansing of sorts. As I write this, it is October, (Friday the) 13th, 0409AM. I just wrote what I believe will be the beginning of a revolutionary business idea that will make me (if not my first, then at least my second) millions…if I can get some capital

P.S. This idea is not related to the VOCAST post

Dear Friends,

It is with a heavy heart that I bid you all farewell.

As you may know, I have decided to change the course of my life and will be pursuing new opportunities around the world.

It has been a distinct pleasure to be associated with each of you, first as individuals, then as a cohesive units, and finally as a firm. All respect due to past, present, and future employees of the firm that have created and will build PwC, not just as a brand, but as a family of professionals who provide exceptional client service and serve an integral role in the
functioning of the world’s capital markets.

I eagerly anticipate the future where a confluence of personal, political, and business relationships await us.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives, even if for a brief moment. I wish each of you only the best in your personal and professional endeavors, knowing that you will achieve success and happiness in all that you pursue.

Adieu,

Jesse A. Sestito

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the by way
And more, much more than this, I did it my way