If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that the Chinese are pure. If there’s one thing we cannot all agree on, it’s what adjective to place after pure.

You may recall, about a year ago, I wrote a short entry about me and HJ buying peaches from two old women on the side of the road in a city about an hour away from Chengdu. The one lady, “so country”, I said, thought that I was from another province, not another country.

Well, it’s peach season again and the DJ was on the buy. Here is his story.

“4 RMB for half a kilo”, she said.

“That’s too expensive”, I (the DJ) said.

“But of course, you’re a foreigner”, she replied matter of factly.

I asked the DJ what he thought about it -

“I know that, but she’s not supposed to tell me that’s why I am being overcharged.”

“Were you mad?”, I asked him.

“Not mad, just astonished.”

“But not mad? Why not?”

“If you get mad, you play the game.”

“What game?”

“The China game.”

Spoken like a true Chinese veteran.

My thoughts -

If you can understand this story, you can basically understand the Chinese psyche. That woman was unquestionably pure in her beliefs and actions. She believed she possessed the right to overcharge him for the peaches and needn’t be discrete about it.

Where does this perceived right stem from? From the fact that he’s a foreigner? In part, but she also would have overcharged a Chinese with an accent from another region. So the perceived right stems from the fact that the party is different? That’s one way of looking at it, but it basically boils down to information asymmetry - she knows the buyer doesn’t know the local price. She overcharges not out of a personal dislike toward the buyer, but merely because she can get away with it.

Can you get with it?

An American expat living in Shanghai has been fired from his job and had his visa revoked for saying that foreigners living in China want the Beijing Olympics to fail. In his daily video blog, Aric Queen, a media producer, rails against the policies, attitudes, and behaviors the Chinese and their government have toward foreigners. On June 5, in one especially emotional post - one which he starts off by saying, “I’m in the absolute worst mood today. I think I’ve called about 5 or 6 people ‘lady bastards’ and it’s only 3pm” - Queen, discussing the recent visa restrictions, is quoted as saying:

“What I am about to say I am dead dead serious about, ok. Nobody wants China to failure in the Olympics more than the foreigners living here do. I’m sure that makes me sound like an asshole, but it’s the truth, and I’ve brought this up with people and everybody seems to agree”.

A few days later, while traveling on business, he was contacted by email and ordered back to Shanghai, where he was fired and forced to the Visa Bureau, where his residence permit was canceled. He was able to obtain a 3 week tourist visa, which he doesn’t believe he’ll be able to extend.

My first question is this - How do you say “lady bastard” in Chinese? None of my friends have taught me that and, frankly, I’m a little upset about it.

Second, Aric didn’t say he himself felt this way, although it is reasonable to infer he does. Even if he does, is there anything wrong with having an opinion? TIC - This is China, so the short answer is yes. For the sake of argument, though, we could say that he was merely expressing the general will of his community. This is what I would argue against. I don’t think most foreigners want the Olympics to fail. My finger may not be on the pulse of the expat community like his because being an expat in Chengdu and being one in Shanghai are two completely different experiences. The number of foreigners here is insignificant compared to those in Shanghai or Beijing. There is basically no expat community here. Most of my fairly limited number of discussions with foreigners about Chinese didn’t come until I joined a language class, after about 6 months of living here. The opinions I found were astonishing - generally speaking, I found that foreigners living in China had a very bad impression of the people - and lacking any depth of understanding of the Chinese psyche. I attribute this to most of the people being fresh off the boat and caught up in very superficial aspects of the people or society. While I could clearly understand their opinions, I didn’t always think they were warranted, if for no other reason than most of them had never spent extensive time with the Chinese. They were drawing conclusions without experimenting. You are entitled to a hypothesis, but you have to follow it up with an experiment and then base your conclusions on the data. That’s only fair. But if you don’t draw on a wide enough sample, it’s not.

I digress. Back to Aric’s comment on the Olympics. In my experience, the Olympics, in fact, are rarely if ever discussed at length among foreigners. Let’s be honest here - no one but the Chinese really care. This is the event that people in other countries protest against coming to their city! The Olympics are passe for the rest of the world. It’s like having a toaster or something. By staking so much of their reputation on a single, two week event, the Chinese are putting all their proverbial eggs in one basket. This in itself shows the Chinese don’t understand the source of the outside world’s opinion about them or, more likely, doesn’t care. China wasn’t awarded the Olympics for us, it was for them. No one wants or expects China to do bad. They are expected to do what every other country does - be a good host. Hey zhong guo, jia you!

It’s hard to imagine that Aric didn’t know what he was saying or even that he didn’t mean it that way. From watching his previous posts, it seems he doesn’t shy away from commentary that could be considered, in China at least, controversial. Moreover, he has been living and working in China for four years and has extensive experience interacting with Chinese. It’s more likely that he underestimated the potential response of his audience or, as one friend suggested, the audience that he didn’t know was watching. That friend of mine said the scary part is not that Aric is not entitled to an opinion, but that their was someone watching and ready to report him because of it. But I think he should have well known this. If he wanted to be more tactful while still getting his point across, he could have used different rhetoric and said something like, “foreigners anxiously anticipate their compatriots seeing a harmonious society first hand”.

Not the most controversial, but definitely the most compelling part of the post comes later when he says, “To be honest with you, the vast majority of people here don’t like their life here. They like the lifestyle here.” Whoa! They don’t like their lives? That’s heavy. It’s strange, but true. But what does it mean? It got me thinking. Well, to be sure, expats in China are a masochistic bunch. It also means that the following is a list of the main reasons expats stay here, IMHO:

-Freshness
Living in another country, any country, is fun and fresh. That feeling of “new new new” is second only to “new new new…”.

-Money
Their currency is likely strong compared to the RMB, making the cost of living cheap. That means increased consumption of food, alcohol, and other lifestyle services. And if they are sent here by a foreign company, life is plush beyond all belief - driver, maid, cook, etc.

-Cool factor
Being able to tell people you lived/worked in Beijing or Shanghai is kinda cool after returning home. Even my friends in NYC seemed a little impressed that I’m living in “that place with the earthquake”.

-Women
For men, China is a paradise. A vigorous American college student once remarked, “We may be the fast food nation, but China is the fast @$$ nation. Everyone has their opinions why. I simply think it comes down to curiosity - the girls here are just as curious about the expats as the expats are about them. A French expat working in Finance once told me this: “It’s information asymmetry at its best. The girls think I’m rich. Even if I tell them I’m not, they refuse to believe me. I am a bourgeois capitalist, what else can I do with this arbitrage opportunity?”. And I assume that a statistician might just point to the numbers. The probability of getting laid on a given night out is statistically higher. If a girl seems difficult, you don’t waste your time - there are literally millions more fish in the…barrel.

-Pace
You’ve read the news. Everything here is fast and changing. Any place with so many people and such new institutions and policies is going to be home to all the contradictions that make life unpredictable and enjoyable. It is fun to be a part of, especially as a young person. But the strict corporate culture hasn’t reached here, so the working atmosphere is often less stressful than that in Japan, Europe or the States. Note: Actually, if you are a Manager this translates into more stress.

-Language
If you’ve only heard people in Chinatown, then you likely can’t have an appreciation for just how beautiful and downright fun speaking Chinese can be. Some people want to learn it for business or because of the sheer number of speakers, but I think even if the amount were only 1.3 million it’d still be worth the time it takes to learn it.

-Reassurance
That your country really is the best and your people are better. People believe what they want to, whether they come to another country has little bearing on their opinions. But coming gives them the right to weigh in. Hey, even Mao said it: “No investigation, No right to speak.” You’ve seen it, now you can be the expert. Nothing feels better than being right, right?

-Manner
Outside of criticizing the Chinese (which could be anything, really), you’ll be hard pressed to find a behavior here that is considered rude or offensive. For this reason, you can do almost anything without fear of the social, legal, or physical retribution that you’ll find in your own country. In fact, the small things that might be considered rude in western countries are common place here. Pushing, not holding the door for someone, talking loud in a restaurant or cafe, answering cell phones in the middle of a meeting, dirty looks, etc. are as unexceptional as a leaf falling from a tree in Autumn. Personally, it is interesting to take part in, just to know what it feels like to do something other than what I’ve have been taught is “proper”. You might not “find yourself”, but you will find a new tool useful for interacting with people. I was surprised to learn that an evil eye and raised voice can get me just as far here as a smile and ‘can you help me out, darling, I’ve had a terrible day’ can in the Midwest. On the contrary, if you bring all your “civilized, good manners” over here, you’d not only look like a real outsider, but worse, disingenuous.

-Instinct
The single biggest reason expats enjoy China is because it appeals to their instincts. On first look, the society will appear to be a mecca for free and open behavior. On my first night in Shanghai, I was in awe of the city where you could take off your shirt, stroll in the street, double deuce in hand, and not warrant a second look from those passing by. It was so….natural. The ability to abandon behavioral norms has lead more than a few expats to admit they feel freer here, in Communist China, than in their own, Democratic countries. This is especially true of the Japanese, who carry with them a constant thought of how to respond in any given situation, from what to do about that fart they got building up to whether they should order the same sized coffee as you at Starbuck’s. But these free feeling foreigners are always the first to complain about China’s human rights records, lack of manners, limits on freedom of speech, and authoritarian government. But what they fail to comprehend is that when they cross the borders into China they’re are passing from a Civil State to one of Nature. Consider what Rousseau said about the passage from a State of Nature to a Civil State and then consider what it would be like to be a foreigner and go in reverse:

“The passage from the State of Nature to the Civil State produces a very remarkable change in man, by substituting justice for instinct in his conduct, and giving his actions the morality they formerly lacked. Then only, when the voice of duty takes the place of physical impulses and right of appetite, does man, who so far had considered only himself, find that he is forced to act on different principles and to consult his reason before listening to his inclinations. Although, in this state, he deprives himself of some advantages which he got from nature, he gains in return others so great, his faculties are so stimulated and developed, his ideas so extended, his feelings so ennobled, and his whole soul so uplifted, that, did not the abuses of this new condition often degrade him below that which he left, he would be bound to bless continually the happy moment which took from him forever, and, instead of a stupid and unimaginative animal, made him an intelligent being and a man.”

No one does run on sentences like the French, but it brings a tear to my eye every time I read it, seriously.

Ultimately, foreigners in China are serving at the pleasure of themselves. They don’t need China like immigrants need their adopted homeland. Their passport is their most valuable asset. They can leave anytime and they need only trade cheap, instinctive living for the deliberate and principled living required of them in the advanced nations from which they came. China is not their country. They don’t have to live with the conditions, they only have to deal with them for a finite period of time. Adapt, don’t adopt. Despite the inconveniences, foreigners secretly love all the things they hate about life here. Let them complain all they want, they are secretly giving each other terrorist fist jabs about how they are roughing it by sleeping a whole summer lathered up with mosquito repellent (see recent blog post). And when it gets to be too much? They hop in a taxi and retreat to Starbuck’s (I’m retreating right now) to write in their MacBooks. No matter what, they’ll always have great stories to tell at cocktail parties after returning home. Being deported by the CCP is surely cool and will fulfill those revolutionary ambitions they got from reading that big Che Biography in Uni.

Conspicuously missing from the list above is anything related to an interest in Chinese history or culture, which are great sources of pride for the Chinese people. The Chinese always assume that’s why people are here….riiiight. Just like everyone in America is there for the freedom. Believe what you’d like, the truth is, most expats have little knowledge of, and even less interest in Chinese history. Foreigners simply don’t find it interesting, much like Chinese wouldn’t find those renaissance festivals and civil war reenactments my brother goes to interesting.

Which brings me to the oddest observation of all - given the harsh opinions expats here harbor toward the Chinese, the Chinese seem to not know or simply not to care how they are perceived by the guerrillas in their midst. With all the talk of “face”, one would think they’d be willing to ask, “how do I look?”. Since I’ve first visited China, nearly two years ago, I’ve only had one person ask me what Americans think about Chinese. On the contrary, I’m frequently on the receiving end of the Chinese saying what they think of us (i.e. every country outside of China) and, even more often, what they think of themselves. For this reason, I think the Olympics will be less a performance aimed at showing the world how great China is, than it will be one showing themselves what they already know. In that case, Aric, the Chinese can never fail.

You can watch Aric’s post here.

I wrote a rough draft of this entry months back but never posted it. I was reminded of it today and, after some polishing, present it to you. Enjoy.

One thing I really miss are acts of random kindness. Random and kindness just don’t go together here. There is always a pretense. Always.

After two consecutive weeknights of post 3am partying, I anticipated last night to be much calmer. After work, I grabbed a quick dinner by myself and returned home to wash my clothes. A friend sent me a message. She was in the neighborhood and asked if I  wanted to have a cup of coffee nearby. I obliged and by 8:30 I was into my first sips of a vanilla latte. We chatted for an hour before I received a call from an old friend who’d I sent a message to the night before. He’s a young, smart, and handsome American guy who I’d like to set up with a new friend who asked for an introduction to a “foreign boyfriend”.

This girl is a little old, 28, by Chinese standards. I know that it doesn’t sound old, but there seems to be an over 22 need not apply rule. I can try to rationalize this to you, but it would just make me sound like an idiot. You would never understand unless you’ve lived here. I’ll just say that’s the way it is. mei banfa. Anyway, my point is that despite the age, she is really beautiful. A lot of girls peak in their early 20s, but this girl is going to become finer and finer with age. And she’s not as petite as most Chengdu girls. She has a thickness to her that an American guy can accept and appreciate. I digress. My American friend said he was game. I told him I’d set something up. As I finished off the latte, I messaged the girl and asked if she was free tomorrow. She said, “I’m drinking at a bar. Is he free tonight?”. Classic. Only in China. I said, “probably not”. She said, “well, are you coming?”. Okay.

Of course it was at the Japanese hater bar. I arrived and she met me at the entrance and her first words after my name out of her mouth were, “I’m drunk”. She grabbed me by the hand and lead me into the bar. It was, not surprisingly, packed. She was accompanied by two other girls, probably in their early thirties. The “positions” in the club were so close together that it wouldn’t be hard to find yourselves mixed up with the group next to you. We started with a toast of Jack Daniel’s mixed with sweetened red tea. This type of place is called a “slow shake bar”. It’s not a bar. It’s not a club. The music is loud, sometimes slow, sometimes fast. There is no dance floor. People stand around their tables drinking and, well, shaking slowly.

We were dancing, drinking, drinking, dancing for 45 minutes or so when my friend suddenly grabbed her glass and left the table. My back is to the direction that she was headed so I didn’t know where she was going, but with cup in hand, it was clearly to drink with someone. She stayed gone for a while, maybe 20 minutes, before one of my new acqauintinces caught my attention and pointed to the table about 6 feet to the back and left of me. It was occupied by my missing friend and three guys. She gestured for me to come over. I grabbed my cup and she introduced me one by one. The first guy was a tall (about 6 feet), handsome guy with a strong jaw line and white button down shirt. The second was a short, stocky dude in a t-shirt and hoody. A Korean, I was soon to find out, and a good drinker. The third was my height, slim, and non-interested. After drinking with the first guy, I realized he was clearly her friend, but despite his good drinking manner, he seemed a bit uncomfortable, with his arms crossed at the his stomach. A minute or so after I drank a glass with each guy, she leaned to her right and shouted over the music, “He’s my ex-boyfriend. Handsome, right?”. Indeed, he was. Strapping, actually. Pulling him down by the shirt, she shouted in his ear, “he said you’re really handsome”. Classic Chinese move - ask you to affirm something they believe and then pass it off as a compliment. It’s an artificial lubricant of sorts, but one that’s nice. He smiled. Back to me, “he thought you were my boyfriend”. This is not surprising. This is what she wanted him to think, after all. Well, I didn’t want to be her tool, but I thought I could use it/her for what it’s worth. But out of some sense of respect for him, I decided that I would be only a passive accomplice to her scheme, which was clearly aimed at making him jealous.

We went back to our table for more slow shaking. She pulled me over to her side of the table, so that we were positioned facing her ex. She’d occasionally lean over, her arm around my shoulder and say something insignificant. I’d nod, smile, or laugh, whichever was appropriate, and she’d peak to see if he was looking. The innocent faux flirting went on for the next hour or so, with my friend taking brief interludes at his table and him sending a liasion to our table for a drink and games. Some weird sort of diplomacy the two had going on. At one point, when she wasn’t at either table, and I assumed making a visit to the ladies room, a new group of party goers occupied the table to the back and right of me, a mere 4 feet away. I heard one say something about “foreigner” and I prepared myself for what I knew was the inevitable, classic passive aggressive (read: aggressive) style of Chinese looking for a chance to “touch” one of the world’s greatest.

My two companions were thoroughly drunk, incapable of even dancing. Seated with their chins firmly planted in their hands, they were done. I had started later than them and was standing, shaking, slowly. One guy came around on my left, ignoring me but going straight for the ladies, who were in no mood for his “friendliness”. The other peered his head around my side to see my reaction. None. He said something incomprehensible and I made the next step toward engagement by lifting my glass and telling him to drink. I realized then that these guys were interested in more than drinking. There was a distinct possibility things could escalate to an unpleasant level. But that is the case with about half of the people that approach me to drink, so I wasn’t in unchartered territory. I was experienced, clear headed, but I was outnumbered 3 to 1. We drank and his friend turned his attention to me, glass filled, speech slurring, eyes blurring. And then the third. All way past the limit. No manner: pouring drinks from our bottle, spilling drinks everywhere, etc.

One toast is never enough to satisfy the ego. These guys weren’t just trying to “touch” a foreigner, they were trying to test one. Always willing (maybe too much so) to engage, I kept drinking. This went on for 5 minutes or so - each taking their turn trying to speak English, alternating praise with threatening stares, and generally making fools of themselves - when I looked up and saw the ex-boyfriend, glass and bottle in hand, stepping toward our table. He poured himself a glass, walked to my side of the table, pushing two of the guys aside and giving a “don’t fuck with me” stare, and positioned himself by my side. He raised his glass to drink with me and said, “you don’t have to drink with these guys.” He then turned and said to two of them. “Enough. This is my foreign friend. You guys can go back to your table.” And the way he did it, which I can’t capture appropriately in words, was nothing short of classic. He was stoic, full of confidence, like a Chinese George Clooney.

Maybe it’s no big deal to you, but examine the context and you’ll certainly appreciate the gravity of his actions. One, we’re in China. Two, we just met. Three, I might be boinking his ex. Despite all this, he had something in himself (maybe he thought there was no way I could land a girl as fine as his ex…haha) that compelled him to act on my behalf. I was genuinely moved. It was one of the single most kind things anyone has done for me since I’ve been here. When she returned from the ladies room, I told her all about it and what a great guy I thought he was.
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And then I took her to a hotel and slept with her.
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Joking. I’m joking

The worst road I ever traveled on was in Cambodia. It was from the Thailand border to Siem Reap, the city of Angkor Wat. Words can’t describe how bad the road was. Pot holes? No. Craters? Yes. When I arrived, the city was flush with tourists. Clearly there was enough money to build a new road, especially given it’s relatively short distance - about 150km. I asked around and soon got a reasonable explanation. The government run airline has a vested interest in keeping overland travel inconvenient and uncomfortable. So long as it is such, people will forgo that option and fly directly from Bangkok. To be sure no one paves that road, the airline employs some muscle. The guys who sell mosquito repellent in China must have the same strategy, for not a single window screen can be found in any of the three apartments I have lived. Just the smallest, almost financially insignificant addition could boost the standard of living considerably. Instead, you will be forced to soak yourself in oil, burn an atrocious smelling piece of incense, and seek refuge under a net.

The DJ and I went to eat at a nice restaurant tonight. At the end of the meal, the waitress asked us to fill out a survey about our experience. Tonight wasn’t the first time this has happened to us. Actually, it happens whenever we go to a nice place. For some reason, they seem to really value our opinion. The odd thing is not so much that they ask us to complete the survey and, seemingly, no one else. The odd thing is, precisely, that they (i.e. 2 or 3 people) stand over our shoulder while completing it and when finished, look immediately at what we wrote. Of course we all know, or I thought we all knew, that you can’t expect an honest answer without anonymity. Perhaps they think us being foreigners, we 1. have high dining standards and 2. are always direct with our opinions. Well, yes, this may be true, but our manner dictates that you never come to someone’s place and tell them to their face that the food or treatment is poor. Or, perhaps, and much more likely, they know this and the manager on duty that night is only looking to show the boss that two foreigners had a satisfying experience on his or her watch.

My friend once told me that back in the 90s, restaurants and KTVs would place covers over the plates of their customers’ cars. The reason being that most of their clientele were government officials who, on their modest salaries, shouldn’t be able to afford a dinner or night out at such an expensive place. It was a response to local citizens taking pictures of the plates and recording the times that cars were there (sometimes for 3 hour lunches), and then lodging complaints. Those days were past, my friend said, but since returning I’ve seen a couple of restaurants and KTV places that cover the plates with a sticker that bears their establishment’s name.

In the elevator.

“Up or down?”, I ask in Chinese.

“Up”, the middle aged man replies, also in Chinese. Unable to restrain himself: “Wow, you’re Chinese is amazing! You speak so well”.

I would have liked to reply with “disingenuous or ignorant?” because this guy, like the (literally) thousands of others who have offered me the same reply in similar situations can only be one of the two.

Disingenuous because of his over the top reaction to me saying three elementary words can only mean that he is making fun of me. Or…Ignorant because he cannot fathom that a non-Chinese could say, “up or down”.

Pay attention. Life here is about the details. It’s not how someone treats you when inviting you to their home. It’s how the stranger treats you in the elevator.

In the US, everyone was telling me how “lucky” I was to have left before the earthquake. Here, however, everyone says it’s such a “pity” that I didn’t get a chance to experience it with them.

I was in Shanghai last weekend. A few highlights.

Shanghai is an international city in the sense that there are lots of people from all over the world traveling, working, and studying there, but it still doesn’t meet the likes of NYC, San Francisco, etc., where the influence of foreigners is pervasive. This is probably do to the fact that most people are just passing through - on a project or rotation for their company, studying Chinese, etc. - so they don’t have the time to put down roots in way that immigrants do. I’m not considering, of course, the overall impact of foreign enterprises, which is significant. The results are local businesses, plenty of them, that cater to a revolving door of foreigners. The energy in these small “international” pockets is really exciting and much different from that in NYC. At moments it felt more intense, albeit temporary.

If you happen to visit, I highly recommend taking the Maglev train from Pudong Intl. Airport into the city. It costs 50RMB ($7) and gets you into the city in just 7 minutes. Top speed is 301km/h. An amazing journey. The alternative is a taxi, which takes, without traffic, 8 times longer and is 3 times more expensive.

Foreign girls. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t seen any in so long, but I was really surprised by the amount of beautiful foreigners I saw in just a couple of days. Even some models. Chengdu girls are pretty, but the legs are short. When I see those long legs, it’s game over.

After such a serious post, I gotta follow with a light chaser.

My favorite quote from Chairman Mao is “No investigation, no right to speak”. That’s why I came here. And one of the reasons I love living in China is the stories that come from “investigating”. Everyday a new story. Something crazy I couldn’t experience back home. Living here, one can easily accumulate 10 years of stories in a fraction of the time. When you relay to your friends, you might even break some stereotypes…or maybe just perpetuate them, but it’s good fun nonetheless.

I’m reminded of this because a friend told me that in his home country, there’s an urban legend, that the P of Chinese girls is horizontal. So, say what you will about Chairman Mao, but he was right about this one - no investigation, no right to speak.

There is an old Chinese saying: 不怕天不怕地只怕广东人说中国话

Translation: Fear neither the heavens nor the earth. Fear only Guangdong people who speak Chinese.

That probably isn’t funny to most of you reading this. I won’t elaborate.

Yesterday, Kevin Rudd, Australia’s fluent Chinese speaking Prime Minister, visited China and delivered a speech, entirely in Mandarin, at Beijing University. He altered the saying a little to: 不怕天不怕地只怕老外说中国话

Fear neither the heavens nor the earth. Fear only a foreigner who speaks Chinese.

He drew a few laughs. Except from me. He used the derogatory term for foreigner.

PM Rudd, a slight built man with a baby face, in speaking Chinese, was trying to say what? As a former diplomat, it’s no surprise that he can speak Chinese, but after seeing the spectacle the Chinese media made of his ability, it made me question whether it is a good idea for the head of a powerful State to speak at length in a language other than his own when delivering public remarks. Private discussions and banter with your foreign counterpart are one thing, but public speaking is another, especially in China. It reminded me of Garry Kasparov, the Russian chess master who tried to oppose President Putin. During his candidacy, he spoke to western media, in English. Putin’s people ran the clips and made him appear as a pawn of the west. Rudd isn’t exactly in danger of appearing as a pawn to the Australian people, but any foreigner, especially a former diplomat, should know how easy (read: natural) it is for Chinese to turn even a nice gesture like speaking Chinese into fuel for the propaganda machine. Something like: “the power of China and Chinese language”. That he would give them the material/satisfaction is beyond me.

While his trip was supposed to be used to talk “direct and straightforward” about Tibet, he only brought up the issue briefly in his address. Instead, he delivered a marshmallow of a speech - light, soft, and sweet. You may say that he was addressing his audience - the elite at Beijing University. But it doesn’t take a psychic or a telescope to see just how far his words were going - across China and into the homes of hundreds of millions of people. You know which parts reached the evening news, played over and over again.

Many of the world’s Presidents and Prime Ministers can speak multiple languages, including English, but only deliver official remarks in their native tongue. Partly because they are more comfortable and control that way, and partly because they don’t want to bow, in public at least, to the fact that English is the world’s language. I wonder about Rudd’s motivations. Was it that, as former diplomat, he was used to and expected to do so, or was it just a gesture? Is he a Sinophile? His background is interesting. Or maybe it’s just business? China is now Australia is largest trading partner. Last year, when he was yet to be elected Prime Minister, he spoke Mandarin during a visit with Chinese President Hu Jintao. That same day, China agreed to buy up to $45 billion of liquefied natural gas from an Australian company over the next 20 years.

There is no doubt that speaking Chinese is a lubricant for relationships, but too much and you can find yourself walking a slippery slope. Someone should tell Prime Minister Rudd that for foreigners in China, less is enough. No matter how good your Chinese or chopticks, it does not, as it may in other places, change the fundamental view Chinese people have of you or your country. As a foreigner, there is little, almost nothing you can do to change the deeply ingrained view that you are, above all, a foreigner (well, this is true), an enemy of the State, and a resource. The sooner you can accept these facts, the more comfortable you can be here. And ironically, the more successful./

But when it’s all said and done, I’d have to agree with the Prime Minister - fear not the heavens or the earth. Fear only a foreigner who speaks Chinese.

P.S. His tones are really good. I’m kinda jealous.

I can count on both hands the people in China whom I couldn’t live without. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank five of them. These guys have, seriously, gotten me through countless karaoke sessions during my time here. And maybe even laid a few times. Thanks, fellas.

Chinese President Hu Jintao lights an industrial sized “zhong hua” brand cigarette, in Beijing Monday afternoon.

Creative Credit: MS啊

“Yo, P, tell ‘em what cha life’s like”

Living in China, censorship will be a part of your daily life. Like the clouds keeping out harmful UV rays, you’ll be blessed with some dude deciding what you read when you roll in late to the office each morning. That means no wikipedia, no flickr, no blogspots, sometimes no wordpress, no typepad, no tumblr, SMS hackers*, no IHT, no NYT, no USA Today, and at times, no CNN or YouTube. Basically, all your lifelines to outside information and rational thinking. Your understanding of world events will be limited to headlines because when you click through, the page will not load. Good friends will begin copy/pasting articles into emails and msn chat windows. Books? Forget it. Your friend will ship some in, but they will be held up in customs until you provide a complete translation of them all. That, or some of those red bills.

If it weren’t bad enough that you won’t be able to access info, you’re gonna be victim of rampant dissemination of propaganda, not only from your peers but via various forms of media. During the riots in Lhasa or at other times of social unrest, that will include text messages and msn spams with warnings of Tibetans carrying bombs and machetes (ok, this will be true and two innocent bystanders will get hacked) to nearby big cities. Sometimes the information is so absurd that you’ll just censor yourself. You’ll all but stop watching TV, especially the one English language station, because the assault on common sense is too much to handle. As you understand more and more of the Chinese language, you’ll limit yourself to shows whose characters don’t start every other sentence with, “We Chinese people {insert self-praise here}.” But you’ll still wonder,’with only themselves as an audience, why are they telling themselves who they themselves are?’.

What will all this mean for your life? It means, basically, that you will be incapable of having an intelligent conversation on politics, history, and most social issues. People will say things that are absolutely incorrect but you won’t be able to argue; not because arguing over something that matters is essentially unacceptable (but sometimes it is), but because information asymmetry makes it logically impossible. To fill the void, you will have only a few options - work longer hours and try to make more money or find viceful hobbies like drinking, “soaking” mei meis, and eating unhealthy amounts of street BBQ.

But, while irked, you will be impressed. You will say to yourself, ‘the thing about propaganda is that it works’. You’ll remember Fidel’s quote: “Propaganda is the soul of every struggle” and nod your head in agreement. To control the thoughts of over 1 billion people; to have that many people, more or less, think the same thing. It will be impressive, if not scary.

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*You will have some friends from other Asian countries and they will tell you that the text messages sent back home - sometimes in their native language, sometimes in English - often arrive in altered form. “I love you” might turn to “I hate you” and someone might get called a “fool” instead of a “sweetheart”.

I know it’s the key to a happy life in a new country, but you can’t spell assimilate without “limits”. Here are the Assimilator’s top three ‘no-can-doos’.

1. Telling someone to “Japan your Mother” (the local version of MFer)
In my opinion, Japaning someone’s mother sounds like taking her for a nice dinner or to a hot spring. It might end at a love hotel, but I couldn’t be certain. What’s wrong with that?

2. Speaking Chinese during sex
She can say what she likes, but I’m sticking to what my tongue knows best;-)

3. The “brother fucker” syndrome (i.e. the girl I’m sleeping with calling me “big brother”)
No doubt, when you come here, you’re gonna meet some girl, fall for her, go out with her and her friends, whom she’ll proceed to introduce you to. One guy will be her “big brother”. You’ll remember the one child policy but think that her family is the exception (didn’t she say her dad is an official?) or that he’s just her cousin (they look alike, you think, but you haven’t been here long enough, so everyone looks alike). This is rational, and rationality takes precedent here, too…right? Then you’ll see them making out and get angry, drunken “western people” style angry and say, reaching for your best Chinese, but only finding English, “you….you….brother fucker!!”.

That’ll be a funny story to email your buddies back home about, telling them how you realized girls here call their boyfriends “big brother” and how you find it totally perverse. But then you’ll meet another girl, definitely prettier (you’re sure of it because now you can tell them apart), who takes you out and introduces you as her “big brother”. You’ll let her do that, and later the same night, much more. And you’ll be a victim like everyone else. Then you’ll think, ‘but my old American girl called me Daddy’, and wonder who the real perv is.

Last night’s excursion made me think about writing a club post.

Last night was weird. We had a “customer manager” at our table the whole night. It wouldn’t been so strange to have someone you don’t know there making you drink and play games if it weren’t for the fact that it was, uh, a guy!!! And at a regular club. At KTV, it’s common to have a “DJ” - a girl in a pretty dress who keeps the music going, drinks some, pushes you to order more food & beverage, etc., or even a “hostess” who personally accompanies you, but at a normal club, with a guy, it felt out of place.

That aside, clubs in China are pretty great. Some will argue against me, but let me provide a few reasons why they rock:

-There is no waiting in long lines
-No fugly dude to decide who can(not) enter
-No dress code. *my favorite*
-You can come and go as you please
-No body search. No ID check. No stamp
-No cover charge, so you can hop from one to the next
-Because there are so many, they aren’t as packed as those in the States
-Even on weekdays, the clubs are jumping
-Water is free
-Fruit and snacks
-Games, games, games, tons of drinking games
-Fights are rare

The downsides:
-The person who keeps checking to see if bottles are empty to take them away, or keeps pouring you more, or opening all the bottles at once. That’s annoying. Leave us alone. Our empty bottles are like trophies. You’re taking away from the experience! (note: once, I hid all the alcohol from the wait staff to keep them from doing this. They were going crazy looking for it.)
-Paying for tissue
-Dance floor is small, sometimes non-existent, because club managers try to fill the place with tables. The upside to this is you don’t have any wallflowers or wanderers. Which means everyone is engaged, doing there own thing, which leads to less conflict. There is no posturing and mean muggin’ like in the US. The separate tables create an atmosphere that feels more divided than US clubs, however. That said, it is actually not difficult to engage other groups for drinking or dancing
-The music is not so great
-Bathrooms are only big enough to…use the bathroom
-Things start and end really early. You can “shut it down” by staying until 2am. Sometimes this is a good thing because you have to go to work the next morning.

It affects your judgment.

Everyone has been talking about this new club. So last night we went to check it out. Upon arrival, I realized we’d been to this club once before - about three months ago - but it was too packed to play. Last night, we got there early (9pm), but it was already too crowded - no tables available. We decided to look for another place. But before doing that, I needed to use the restroom. As we crossed the toilet threshold, my friend pointed to the sign - “No Japanese allowed”, written in Chinese. And while waiting, I noticed the walls decorated with loads of anti-Japanese posters, signs, pictures of Koizumi, etc. Maybe that is why the place is so popular?

If I had to make a list of things that surprised me when I first arrived in China, toward the top would be the level of hate and obsession Chinese have toward Japanese. We all know, understand, and acknowledge the root of this angst, but I don’t know why Chinese fail to comprehend that when they go on and on and on about the Japanese, it just makes them look weak and insecure. Not to themselves, of course, but to objective outsiders. Not even being able to let go in a place of relaxation and entertainment? It’s kinda pitiful in my view. Moreover, it distracts attention and energy away from the areas where China, Chinese people are strong and (need to be) making tremendous progress.

It sometimes feels as if I’m living in a society full of accountants - viewing the world on a purely historical basis. It’s incessant. Whenever I meet someone for the first time these are the standard ice breakers:

Where are you from?
How long have you been here?
Are you studying or working?
How much do you make?
You know we (Chinese) hate Japanese.

UPDATE: Thought I should provide a translation of the parts of the picture that aren’t in English. It says, “We have more than 10 times your population. No more sushi for you”.

Yesterday I sent a friend an email that said I try not to spend my time here missing anything. But the truth is, sometimes there is an unexpected and irresistible cue that provokes my senses. When I am sick, for example, I crave pizza. And last night, while out clubbing, it was the simplicity and directness of an American woman.

I was dancing and she walked by. Her parents, obviously, were some sort of Asian, but she was full on American. How did I know?

In order of discovery…

First, the breasts. She grew up on that 2% stuff. There’s a hang.
Second, the walk. Girls here do not, cannot walk like that.
Third, the style. I love skirts, but nothing gets me going like the simple style of an American woman. Hair, back and up. Jeans or cargo pants, a pair of sneakers, and a top from the Gap.
Fourth, the dance. The hips, the way they move.
Fifth, the way she drinks. In measured sips.
Sixth, the way she smiled at me…with her eyes.

And a woman like that makes me miss home.

Yesterday, over the course of 10 hours, we drank 5 bottles of bai jiu and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. And felt fantastic. I know it seems like we drink a lot but…that’s because we do. Drinking in China is arguably more important than speaking the Chinese language, especially if you don’t speak the Chinese language. In fact, it is a language all its own. If someone tells you drinking doesn’t matter I would say that they are either 1. ignorant or 2. ignorant. Doing business or connecting in China without drinking is like turning door knobs without a thumb - it can be done, but

inefficiently and very awkwardly.

So, some tips for those of you ready to jump head first into the performing arts.

1. Fat is your friend. It absorbs alcohol. The meal will start with a toast. Your stomach is probably empty, so if you’re not used to drinking you may feel a little warm. No problem. That’s like the first injection of gasoline into an engine. Start me up, baby! I digress. The next matter of order is to layer your stomach with enough fat/meat for the blitzkrieg of toasting that is about to commence a few minutes later. Don’t be shy. Go for it. Also, the lining of the cow’s, pig’s, etc. stomach/intestines is your good friend.

2. Don’t mix bai jiu with Soy Milk, Juice, Soda, or other beverages served. It’s tempting because they counteract that God awful taste (see #3 below), but the result is serious, something from your 10th grade chemistry class. The only exception is tea. But don’t drink too much. Just sip, baby!

3. Don’t taste. I had an awful gag reflex to bai jiu before I learned that it ain’t meant to be enjoyed going down. Fling it to the back of your throat and swallow quickly. Don’t let it hit your tongue. This will increase your drinking capacity 3-4 fold.

4. Use the small cups. They allow you to do #3. If you drink from a regular glass you will taste more than you want. Avoid use of such cups when possible.

5. After finishing the bai jiu someone will likely suggest ordering beer. As tempted as you are to trade in for that familiar taste…don’t do it. You’ll likely have no say in the matter, though. Just be careful. It will fill you up and spit you inside out! If you really want to take my advice, just go on about how much you love Chinese bai jiu and would like to drink one more bottle.

6. If you are in a private room with more than one table and you know there is a guy that has taken a liking to you and likes to drink with you, do not do anything to draw attention to yourself. Not only will he call you over to drink with him, but also a couple times with his associates. That means, and I say this from experience, don’t stand up to go to the bathroom unless you really have to.

7. There is no shame in throwing up. It’s like hitting the “refresh” button on a slow loading web page. A few moments later and you’re ready to go.

8. Be careful of women. They are like little mercenaries sent to kill you softly. Seriously, guys bring girls just to make you drunk. How? Well, they will either 1. drink juice while you drink fire water or 2. drink a sip while you drink the entire cup. How can they get away with this? Well, for one, they are beautiful. And they smile, pout, shout, and then tell you how amazing you are after you drank that entire cup.

You’ll likely encounter these women when dealing with the under 40 year old business men. The older guys (40+) will likely not have women with them. If they do, it will be their wife, whom is almost certainly not a crazy mercenary drinker. You should toast her out of respect. It doesn’t matter what or how much she drinks. You drink alcohol and drink it all. She probably won’t toast you back.

In dealing with the young ones, just stand your ground. Smile, say something witty and, if your me, flirt.

9. Smile. When done properly, it can make folks drunker than any amount of alcohol.

And some etiquette…

If the relationship is not yours or introduction being made on your behalf, allow the “leader” on your side to initiate the first round of toast, then follow in order of your side’s ranking.

Toast the highest ranking person first, then work your way around. They will, in turn, toast you. Just remember, the amount you’ll have to drink will be the number of people x 2 (plus some for good measure), so pace yourself.

With the exception of the first and last toast, drinking is almost always done 1 on 1. Don’t try to be efficient and kill two birds with one stone. That is not taken well.Stand up. But let the higher ranking person, especially the older guys sit. Actually, make them sit. When it comes to the younger guys, though, I think it is better to go toe to toe.
When you toast, be sure to place your cup at a lower level than your counterpart (if he/she is of a higher rank). If they try to go lower, you go lower. Go to the table and if you are good friends (but not anyone else) and want to be drunk and stupid, the floor.

Hold your glass with two hands no matter how small it is. One hand underneath and the other as you would normally hold a glass. Note: this is super formal and not many people do it.

干杯 (ganbei) means “dry cup”. Drink it all. That means every last drop. And make sure your counterpart does too. If he/she doesn’t, don’t be afraid to call his/her bluff…unless that person is of a higher rank than you, a new relationship, etc. If you really want to be respectful you can tell that person to drink as they please even though you are going to drink a full cup.

An experienced drinker always has a cup in one hand and the bottle in the other when he is making his rounds round the table. Refill the glass of your counterpart before your own.

If someone is refilling your glass, hold it with at least one hand (two is more formal). If it is sitting on the table, tap your middle and index couple fingers twice on the table as a way to say “thank you”. Or at least sit upright and put a hand on your glass while they pour to show your paying attention and don’t regard their effort as that of a waiting staff.
Do not “accidentally” spill alcohol. That’s weak and totally not cool. If you really are to your limit, then just smile and say “In a moment” or “I have to take a rest”.

As I wrote “highest ranking” it felt weird. It’s not as hierarchical as it may sound. The atmosphere is actually very casual. But to be clear higher rank = this guy is significantly older than me, is the richest guy, the boss, the birthday girl, or just the person who is paying the bill that day. That person will likely have the power seat, the one farthest from and facing the door.

People will say and do a lot to test you. But it’s only that, a test. One reason is to see how much you can drink. The other is to measure your capacity to listen to sometimes completely absurd bullshit. But it’s basically like a kid tapping on the cage of a snake. Don’t take anything, good or bad, too personal. Always keep in mind the person who brought you into that relationship. That is your main priority, to make him/her look like they made a good judgment.

That said, you also don’t want to be a show pony. For this reason, I often don’t initiate toasts with people unless the relationship is really important or I am already close to them. And even when I receive a toast, I don’t always return it. I can get away with this because people just figure I don’t know the SOP. Use your professional judgment. Drinking in China, like many things here, is a performing art, but you must maintain a sense of self-respect. Don’t lose yourself in the character. Some say don’t play one at all.

Especially for Americans, Japanese, and Koreans, always remember that no matter the name you introduce yourself as, whether it be the one your parents gave you or the corny one you made up with other foreigners in your Chinese class, you are not yourself. Your face is always painted in the colors of your national flag. Think clearly what you want to represent and pursue that goal relentlessly.

Along the same lines, you don’t want to pigeon whole yourself as “a good drinker” or “the foreign friend”. Not only will it cause significant harm (short and long-term) to your body (people will be calling you every night to go drinking), but more crucially, to your reputation. You want people to like you and feel close to you, but most importantly, view you as a good (business) person with ideas that are trusted and respected. The alcohol is a liquid. It’s a ri