Recently, the city government has took to replacing all the public trash bins with ones with locks. This, presumably, to keep trash in the trash can. You see, rummaging is a highly developed industry here and a legitimate way for a lot of people to make a living. For that reason, it’s going to take a lot more than a lock to deter people. Yesterday on my way to work when I saw a man meet resistance with the bin, I thought to myself: ‘The city govt. is messing with the livelihood of people. They never thought about the impact of buying these bins and now they’re gonna pay for it.’

This morning?

This morning, all the bins on my way to work were unlocked.

I’m honestly not sure who has more fun - us making fun of the Chinese or them making fun of us. Today I received an email from a business contact wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. She signed off with, “Thanks, I love you, thank you.”

Classic.

I was preparing dinner, made a mistake and thought “Ctrl-Z”.

Last night, around 10:30, I went out for a run. Crossing a large intersection at a moderate pace, a young woman riding a bike in the opposite direction caught my eye. Or maybe it was I who had caught hers. It was, after all, a small wave that got my attention, followed by her toothy smile. She was not a familiar face, but beautiful nonetheless, so I responded with a smile of my own and a slowed pace that, as we passed one another about 10 feet horizontally apart, showed my interest. I turned my head to see if she was stopping. She did the same. We both checked again, and again, each time slowing our pace until, finally, we both were stopped, in the middle of, but on opposite sides of the crosswalk, about 50 feet apart. I turned and jogged to her, filled with excitement of this new prospect - young, with a great smile, and long, black, thick hair. She hadn’t turned her bike around, but instead, waited for me and once I arrived, turned her head and flashed me a smile that at once made my heart leap with excitement and sink with disappointment. For I knew this face. She was one of the DJ’s girls.

Barack Hussein Obama Wins!

Only in America, baby!

Now that is what I call a great leap forward.

Check out this quote from an article on the melamime contamination issue here in China.

“Hong Kong food safety officials said a child would have to eat about two dozen of the eggs in a single day to become ill.”

Now, maybe it’s a stretch, but if a child eats two dozen non-contaminated eggs in one day, he’s gonna be sick.

So I told you all about how I sometimes say I am from Israel, and tell people to call me Zohan. I know it’s ludicrous, but hey, it gets me through the day. Anyway, today I was online and one of my contacts sends me a message. We exchange some pleasantries and then she says, “are you Jews?”.

I completely forgot about this. A classic quote from Italy’s President, Silvio Berlusconi.

“I only sleep three hours, the others are to make love,”

I finalized my voting decisions today. Voting for President of the United States of America is quite unexciting. I know my nation is at a critical period and I am conscious of that when making my decision, but somehow the vote for Commander in Chief feels too abstract this time around. The lofty rhetoric of the candidates is expected, even necessary, I concede, but without any really bad candidate to oppose (i.e. vote against) or the idealism of last cycle to fling me in one direction, my vote this time seems more practical than ever. I know that the difference between what the candidates say now and what they will do, if elected, will vary greatly, not because they are hypocrites but because their hand will be guided by circumstances currently unforeseeable and any prudent leader would, should be willing to make a decision that opposes his principles if it is for the well being of his nation and its people.

So you don’t always know exactly what you’re getting when it comes to people, and that’s why the real thrill of this cycle came from voting on (Ohio’s) constitutional amendments. Of course laws can change, and amendments are, by nature, open to interpretation, but voting on issues makes me feel more connected to the political process than voting for President. They are spelled out in front of you and await your decision. It’s simply a more accurate measure of your views than voting for President or any other representative. If I vote “yes” and the amendment passes, I can look at the new constitution with great fondness - “That’s my gal right there, ‘Section 6a Article XV’”. If I vote “no” and prevent an unwanted change, I can still look on the unaltered constitution as a labor of love - “kept that wack amendment off my precious constitution” - and that’s an amazing feeling.

It’s a great day to be an Ohioan, and an even better one to be an American.

It’s true what we say here - nothing is impossible.

A Brooks Brothers store in Chengdu? Maybe. That’s what the site’s international stores listing says.

I guess there’s a little Banker in everyone.

My apartment is in close proximity to the elevator, so if I’m not watching television or listening to music and listen very carefully, then I can hear the “ding” of someone arriving on my floor. If it’s a woman, and she’s wearing heels, I can hear the click clack growing nearer and nearer and nearer, peaking, then descending further and further and further down the hall until it’s as faint as the beating heart of a baby. Best of all, though, is when the click clack climaxes, stops for a split second, and turns into a knock knock. That is the sound of the good life, my friends!

Amazing. I’m sitting on the second floor of a Starbucks next to a huge window that allows me to see everything going on outside. A car just hit a guy crossing the street on his bike. The guy got up, gathered his things. The driver got out and looked at his car. They didn’t acknowledge each other. Not a word or even a look. The guy got on his bike and kept going. Amazing.

There is a part of me, of everyone I suppose, that is cruel, ruthless, or as we say here, bastard. I rarely had to tap into that part of myself before coming to China. And when I did, it wasn’t hard because the circumstances were so extreme that such seldom used actions were made easily accessible. Since arriving here, though, bastard has become my default. Well, not completely, but that is my goal. Not because it is what I want, but it is what I need, what they need. You see, everyone here is on bastard cruise control. I’m in a bastard bubble and it’s not popping anytime soon. If you don’t adopt it, then you simply cannot thrive, much less survive. When I first arrived, I wondered why friends who were so kind to me would suddenly switch gears when dealing with waiters, service people, employees, etc. who’d seemingly done nothing to prompt such ugly, bastard behavior. I soon found that it’s not that the people deserve to be treated so harshly, it’s only that they need to be. It’s the language they understand and respond to. I’m grateful for the opportunity to develop my bastard skills, because I know they will be valuable to me in the future, in other places where bastard is not so common but, when used responsibly, useful. So I keep pushing myself to do that which feels about natural as taking a shit sitting backwards on a toilet. And I am changing, but maybe not (fast) enough.

Today I got a fresh injection of American sensibilities. I’m not sure what made it more special - whether it was that I didn’t have to go back home to get it, or that it came from a Chinese, or maybe that it was from an old friend, an old OSU classmate, actually. XY was one of, if not the very first of a few Chinese that helped me form my first impression, a sketch you could say, of Chinese people, and helped peek my interest in this nation and its people. She planted a seed, and even tended to it for some time. That sketch has developed into a detailed blueprint and the seed has grown into something that even I can’t identify. A new or at least rare species, I suspect, of American. I can say, however, that XY was the first to bring me “White Rabbit” candy to eat. It’s unfortunate we had to meet under the circumstances we did, but it was no less sweet than the first piece she gave me back in Columbus. We talked a lot, especially about an old friend that has disappeared from our lives. I suspect he is somewhere analyzing this blog and if so, then we send our regards. XY thinks it’s unlikely and is still waiting for the day when the three of us can snap a photo in front of the Mao statue as we’d planned back in Uni before the SARS epidemic hit.

There’s much to say, but I’ll leave it short and sweet, like XY. Here are some unforgetables from today.

“万事接有可能”
“People are stupid in different ways”
“Things here can get complicated fast. Be careful”
“Killing me softly”
“You didn’t know you were different from the people here until they told you so”
“She can torture you if she wants”

Hole is a Hole and Fish* has not eyes.

-The DJ

Got my absentee ballot in the mail! Well, my Mom did. Can’t wait to vote!!!

Was walking back to my apartment after running this morning…

Saw a guy walking through the middle of very thick bushes. Maybe he was trimming them? And then he disappeared, squatted down inside them. I walked by and he was taking a dump! Classic.

Saw a sign that had an English translation that said “Your 3000 years of civilization, arrogant for you”.

I was in the convenience store outside our office. I saw some M&Ms and, having not eaten them in well over a year, decided to buy a pack. First, though, I had to ask a store employee to take them out from behind the glass case. For some reason, a lot of the western candy is behind cases here. Anyway, she took it out, threw it on the counter in front of me, and I picked it up. I took it to the cashier, threw it on the counter in front of her and then realized there was a roach on the bag. I didn’t blink. Neither did the cashier. She picked up the bag, turned it over so the roach was on the bottom side and smashed the roach and my precious bag of chocolate covered nuts against the counter. And she scanned the bar code. All in one motion, like she had done this before. Did I ask for a new bag?

Just now, from a supplier. I told you guys they get so confused about who I am. You’d think I was being interrogated by Homeland Security. Here it is. This cannot be topped….ever!

“Jesse Sestito, are you a Chinese or not, and where are you from?”

Update:

I know this is absurd, but this is what doing business in China is like. Here was my response:

Does it matter if I am a Chinese or not? Will the quality or price of the product be different? If so, tell me which country’s people get the best service from you. Then I will be that nationality. 好吗？

-The Zohan

I’ve written before about the fabulous smiles of the Chinese and how you’ll only get to see them under less than pleasurable circumstances. That’s because, for some reason beyond comprehension, they only flash them when they’ve done something wrong. Now, even when it’s annoying, you can, sometimes, if you look really hard, find something endearing about it. But not last night.

I met the DJ and his co worker at her hotel before setting out for dinner. Before we left she told us that the night before, after returning to the hotel, she boarded the elevator and made her way to her floor. The doors opened and she exited. A man followed her. That man started talking to her. He talked and talked and talked. She didn’t want to excuse herself to her room and let the man know where she was staying, so she talked with him. Finally, the man left. The next morning the man showed up at her room and knocked on her door for 30 minutes. She didn’t answer.

She will be staying in the hotel for a while since she is here on business, so the DJ wanted to ensure her safety. We went into the hotel and asked the girl at the front desk for someone in security. The security guy came out and we explained to him and the girl, in English and Chinese, what happened, and that it was unacceptable. We asked if this man, who was distinguishable from his Nationality, was still staying in the hotel, and asked for them to pay extra special attention. Then the Manager came. The DJ explains to him, sternly, but politely, that his co-worker is a guest of the hotel and that under no circumstances is it acceptable for her safety to be in question. It’s serious. But the whole time, the Chinese are laughing. Not just smiling, but laughing, like it is a joke. I’ve got a pretty good sense of humor, but I couldn’t find anything humorous about the safety of a young girl in a foreign country being threatened at a place which should be secure.

Sometimes I have the opportunity to speak with Chinese people on the phone for business. I dread it, because it’s hard enough to understand people face to face, much less when I can’t watch their mouths and gestures. But the Chinese love to talk on the phone, so it’s basically unavoidable. Some don’t realize, despite my flawless written English in e-mails and the name I sign at the bottom, that I’m not Chinese, so they’ll often say, “Oh, your Mandarin is not standard, where are you from?”. America, stupid!

Others have a clue and ask, “Are you a foreigner?”. Fair enough. And they’ll follow it up with, “Where are you from?”. Fair enough. But the other day, this woman said, “Oh, are you a foreigner?”. “Yeah”, I said, and she immediately switched the conversation to English. Fair enough. I’d welcome that, maybe, if she could speak English, that is!!! She took thirty seconds to get one sentence out of her mouth. I kept speaking in Chinese.

Later, she sends an email and, not surprisingly, finishes it with, “Where are you from? {smiley face}”.

Sigh.

Now, you have to understand that the Chinese, like most of us, have stereotypes about people from certain countries. So, depending on where you are from or where they think you are from, they will treat you accordingly. And they’ll give you a stupid reply, accordingly. Italians = playboy = “You have many Chinese girlfriend?” French =Paris = “I love France, it is so beautiful. No I have never been.” Japanese = hate = “Oh…good fashion”. Korea = pop culture = “I get my haircut at a Korean salon”. Germans = disciplined = “Audi is good car”, Russians = ruggid = “Oh, very strong, old friend”. Americans =  rich and stupid = “How much do you make?”

As I said, more than anything, your response will really affect how they treat you. So who do I want to be when I’m doing business?

“I’m Israeli.” Next time I’m gonna add, “you can call me The Zohan.”

Why?

Did you ever see the way The Zohan treats his customers???